Get out of sticky holiday situations

This is another example of the challenge of integrating new family members. Perhaps if the family meal seems sacrosanct, you could invite the boyfriend for dessert. The fact that you say “things weren't so bad” shows that your possessiveness of your family members may be unnecessary, and opening our homes to others at this time of year is, after all, part of the spirit of the holiday.

Nephew's ex brings boyfriend and stays to visit
My nephew lives with us and my ex niece-in-law always comes by with the children to drop them off to spend some time with their father. She brings the man that she ran off with and their new child, and plunks herself down for a visit. I can't say anything in front of the children and no matter how much I hint to her privately, it runs right off her back. It's as though she is rubbing everyone's face in her “freedom” and I find it uncomfortable. What can I do?

Michael Berman, Canadianliving.com's family law expert, believes in a cardinal rule for all child-access visits: ex-spouses do not cross the threshold –- kids are dropped off at the door. Tell your ex-niece-in-law prior to the visit that you are uncomfortable with her visits, that you have sought advice and that for the children to have their visit with their father, there is no need for her to be there.

Presents of mind
My sister doesn't Christmas shop until the 24th of December. As a result, my children often get inappropriate gifts (loud and obnoxious) or poor-quality gifts that break within a day, or things they already have. How can I get her to choose more carefully without seeming ungrateful?

Tell her your kids are collecting (insert here the name of reasonably priced collectible toy they like) and would she like a list that will take the pressure off her trying to find last-minute gifts for them. Then add other items to the list.

Kids can't be home on Christmas Eve
The only request I ever made of my children was that all of them come home to celebrate Christmas Eve. With six kids, I should have known better. My eldest son went to stay away in a small town to study his craft, and he met this girl with whom he lives now. So far, so good, but a few days before Christmas I got a call from my son saying he couldn't be there with us this year. He told me he would come at New Year's for a few days. It had never occurred to me that this could happen, let alone what followed. On Christmas Eve, my eldest daughter says, "Since my brother isn't here, and I believed that we had an obligation to be here, my husband and I have decided that we will be at his mother's next year." I drank a sip of wine, looked at my husband, and felt like everything I had worked for had walked out the door. It took a while for me to get over this, but I did. I don't know what this Christmas will bring, but I have decided to celebrate Christmas with the people that will be there. I will never tell them again that they have to be there on Christmas Eve.

The constant in every family is change, and when kids grow up they need to establish their own traditions and satisfy their own growing family's needs. So while it is painful for you to adjust to the changing shape of your brood, you and they will be happiest during this season of joy if you do your best to accommodate them rather than make them feel guilty. If celebrating Christmas on the 24th and no other time is your top priority for making it meaningful, you just need to accept not all the kids will be there every year. It sounds as though you have tried to accept it – and that's really the only solution there is to this sticky situation. But if the important thing is to have all six kids together, why not suggest a different date that will accommodate everyone?


Page 2 of 2 -- Learn how to cope with demanding in-laws on page 1.