Growing up lesbian or gay in Canada

'Heartbreaking moments'
There were heartbreaking moments for Ann and Edgar during those initial PFLAG meetings, especially when they listened to gays and lesbians recount how they were asked – or told – to leave home upon coming out to their parents. Hearing those stories prompted the soft-spoken Ann to speak up. "I said that I have a hard time understanding parents who tell their kids to get out and never come back. I don't understand parents who do that. I just don't get it. No parent should ever do that."

After the meeting a woman came up and complimented her: "Wouldn’t it be amazing if every parent thought the same way. They should rent out mothers like you." Ann was moved, so much so that she and her husband launched and now host a monthly social night at their church for gays and lesbians who simply want a friendly, laid-back, welcoming place to socialize. "We first approached PFLAG Canada looking for support and to find answers to some of our questions, and now this is our way of giving back."

And there can a lengthy list of questions for parents upon learning their child is gay.
• "How does my child really know for sure she's lesbian?"
• "What's the best thing I can do to help my gay teen now that he has come out?"
• "I accept my child being gay, but my wife doesn't. What do I do?"
• "How did this happen? What will my child's life be like?"

Parents and youth are not alone
"Any and all questions are valid at our meetings," says Cherie. "Chances are someone sitting in that circle of chairs on any given night has already grappled with the burning, soul-searching issue that's on your mind." Cherie talks about the "miracle moment" she’s seen many parents of lesbian and gay youth experience during a monthly PFLAG meeting. "Sometimes it happens on their first night, or perhaps later on, but I've seen it in their eyes and facial expressions when they fully realize: I am not alone. There are other parents just like me with a kid just like mine and who are going through the same roller- coaster."

Sometimes it's coupled with another realization: "I've also seen that magical look on parents' faces when they acknowledge, My child is not alone either. She's one of a million just like her. And suddenly the world's a much better place."

Let's talk: Parent to parent
Ann has learned a lot since her son Robert came out two years ago. Here, she generously shares her advice to parents of a gay or lesbian child, or one who is questioning his or her sexuality.
• "Tell your child you love him or her. It's important he or she knows that right away. Whatever you talk about after that, your child must know right off that your love for him or her hasn't changed."
• "Don’t blame yourself. You're not responsible for your child being gay – nor is there anything for anyone to be blamed for."
• "Take time with the information. Your child has likely dealt with and struggled with being gay for a long time. You've only just found out. Go easy on yourself. Don't rush it. Take the time you need."
• "Seek counselling, if necessary; if you find it incredibly difficult, consider sharing your journey with a professional or an expert counsellor."
• "Confide in someone you feel safe with. It's important that you are not alone. Talk to family and friends so you are not isolated."

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