You will have firm expectations of anyone who would like to be invited into the circle of well-being you are creating to nurture and support your child. Grandparents would be natural fits in this circle but they will need to earn and retain that place through respect, goodwill and good behaviour, such as not smoking.
This isn't about harsh exclusion; it is about inviting the best out of them as people and as family. Ideally they would ask you to help them redefine their roles as parents in order to support you in the important work of raising a child. Failing that, I encourage you dad, to lovingly and firmly make your position clear. They would no doubt be proud to know that you hold such strong family values, which are helping you put your wife and child first.
No smoking, no bad mouthing your child's mother, no bouts of temper or intense conflict will be accepted around any of you. It's toxic and unhealthy for everyone. And of course you sincerely hope that your wishes will be respected in order that you and your family can enjoy their company and their support, now and through the years to come.
Say it as often as you need to until it is heard and accepted. The health and well-being of your marriage and home depend on it.
Now, go and find some fun and interesting things to do, just the two of you. Goodness knows, once this little one arrives you'll have a lot less time, energy and likely money to play together.
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Dr. Marion Goertz is a registered marriage and family therapist and a clinical member of the American and Ontario Associations for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT/OAMFT). Marion maintains a private marriage and family therapy practice in Toronto.
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