Help your children get along

Fair, but not equal
Most parents with more than one child would not be surprised to learn that, according to behavioural geneticists, the personalities of siblings are about as varied as the personalities of unrelated children. One child in a family may be cheerful and easygoing, happier as a follower than as a leader. The other child may be an attention-seeking perfectionist who loves to take charge. Or one child may be shy and physically awkward, while the other is boisterous and athletic.

Experts say that it's a mistake to treat each sibling exactly the same way. The key to success is to explain your desire to be fair in responding to each one's needs. This means treating each one as an individual, which might require some disparities, but the treatments balance out in the end. An aggressive child may need more limits placed on his activities and behaviour to contain him, but a timid child may need more encouragement to try new experiences and to take risks.

As you become aware of each child's strengths and weaknesses, you must avoid comparing your children and describing one more favourably than the other. Comparing children is toxic to their relationship both with you and with each other. No matter what words you use, they will probably feel resentful and envious of each other, which might lead to bitter sibling rivalry. Show equal respect for the individual qualities of each child, and let them know you expect them to admire and respect each other.

Excerpted from Raising Great Kids: Ages 6 to 12 by Christine Langlois. Copyright 1999 by Telemedia Communications Inc. Excerpted, with permission by Ballantine Books. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.