How to deal when people cross the line

One day, my cousin Lauren received a rude shock. Her mother-in-law, who was visiting from out of town, had taken it upon herself to “reorganize” her home. She had emptied all the kitchen cupboards and moved the items to new locations. Then she redecorated Lauren's English country den with a “prettier” wall hanging of a Day-Glo orange tiger. This sounds outrageous, but it's true!

A friend tells this story: “My husband's aunt came up to me at a family party and in a loud voice said, ‘Why are you not pregnant yet? Don't you like children?'” Make no mistake, interpersonal boundaries were crossed.

What's your limit?
Anne Mahoney, a clinical psychologist in Calgary who specializes in group dynamics, says this is a limit that we set to keep ourselves safe. “It can be physical, emotional, mental or spiritual,” she says. “Think about when someone stands too close to you, and you instinctively step back. You know it may be a boundary violation -- of any type -- when you feel discomfort and threatened.”

Boundary violations are common. Not everyone, after all, draws the lines in the same places. Some of us are “huggers,” while others are more physically distant. And we communicate our boundaries in different ways, too. Personal questions may be fine to you but inflict your sister with a case of the squirms. People from different cultures may also have different ideas of what is appropriate behaviour.

One thing is certain: when boundaries do get trampled, there's bound to be trouble.

Draw your line
Most of us react in one of two ways: we either withdraw and become anxious, or get angry and overreact. We may also worry about hurting the other person's feelings, without regard for our own. Some of us even blame ourselves for another's transgression; for example, we might think someone's unkind comment is our own fault -- “I deserved that.”

Mahoney suggests taking responsibility for your own boundaries. Figure out what you need. Communicate it clearly and effectively to others and stick to your guns. (That, of course, is easier said than done.)

Here are four common situations and tips from Mahoney to help you hold your line without crossing one yourself.

1. The backyard barbarian
You've just brought out the potato salad, and you're sitting down -- at last -- for a family dinner alfresco. Your next-door neighbour picks this exact moment to lean over the too-low fence and embark on a long-winded discussion about hornworms.

REACTION 1: You smile coolly, but inside you're a red-hot cauldron. You say, “Oh, those darned yellow jackets!” and move your chilly chili inside.

REACTION 2: You lose it. You tell him in no uncertain terms that the next time he puts his nosy nose over your fence, you'll hand it back to him on a platter.

WHAT THE EXPERT SAYS: When you allow yourself to get angry, your judgment gets clouded. Recognize that your neighbour does not intend to ruin your evening.

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT: Calm yourself down by taking deep breaths. In a firm and composed manner, tell your neighbour clearly what you need. “We are just sitting down to dinner and need some family time. I'd love to visit with you later, when the dishes are put away and I can relax and enjoy our conversation.” If he still doesn't get the message, be firm and tell him, “I cannot visit with you during the dinner hour. Please wait until after we're through.” If he still doesn't get it, realize that you risk offending him for good if you take an even stronger tack. Decide which is the lesser of two evils: a “buddinsky” or withstanding the silent treatment.

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