How to deal when people cross the line

2. The workplace wanna-know-all
She pops into your office whenever she feels like it and starts chatting about her personal life. Even worse, she feels entitled to know everything about yours.

REACTION 1: You wind up confiding more than you intended and feel like a jerk. To add insult to inappropriate, you now have to stay late to catch up on the work you neglected while she gave you the scoop on her hot date.

REACTION 2: Whenever you see Wanna-Know-All Wanda heading your way, you avoid her. You sense she is hurt -- and has no idea what she has done to offend you.

WHAT THE EXPERT SAYS: We spend most of our waking hours at work. No wonder many people consider the office a prime place for socializing. People like Wanda have trouble separating the social from the professional and understanding that her frequent chats are out of place in the workplace.

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT: Neither avoiding Wanda nor letting her take over your day will help you solve this problem. Both tactics add tension to your already stressful day and interfere with your ability to work. Instead, take Wanda aside and tell her clearly what your limits are. “I simply can't take the time during the work day for extended chats. I'm also not comfortable sharing details of my private life at the office.” Repeat as necessary. If your colleague responds badly to your comments, keep in mind that you are not responsible for disciplining her or for looking after her psychological well-being. Your role at the office is to get your job done. If she keeps behaving unprofessionally, let your supervisor deal with her -- you're probably not the only one perturbed by her overly chatty nature.

3. Three's company
Your best friend from high school just moved back to town. You're thrilled to see him, but he thinks every spare moment is playtime -- with you. He doesn't notice that you have a family and other social obligations. He shows up unannounced and says, “Since you're not doing anything, we can go for coffee together!” When you try to tell him you have plans of your own, he acts resentful and hurt.

REACTION 1: You draw away from him, becoming more aloof and distant. You even turn out the front lights and hide in the bedroom.

REACTION 2: The next time he shows up unannounced, you angrily tell him to get a life or get lost. You've now lost your oldest friend in the world.

WHAT THE EXPERT SAYS: Some people don't have clear boundaries of their own, so they tend to misread boundaries. They think that everyone in a group must do everything together and act the same way.

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT: Sit your friend down when you have some time alone. Describe to him clearly and calmly how his behaviour is affecting you. (He probably has no idea!) Then lay some ground rules: call before dropping by, make plans for getting together with you in advance and no late-night phone calls -- you need your sleep these days! Next time he shows up unannounced, tell him you're busy and can't see him. Don't even bother reminding him of the rules. He knows them but is testing to see if you will stick to them. He'll learn to respect your boundaries once you do. You might also mention you heard about a new singles program at the community centre and encourage him to check it out -- without you.

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