How to deal when people cross the line

4. A law unto herself
Your mother-in-law criticizes your clothing, hairstyle, the way you raise your children -- even the kind of toilet paper you buy. Caught in the middle, your husband shrugs and sighs, “She means well.”

REACTION 1: You start to dread, even avoid, family get-togethers. You brace yourself for the obnoxious comments and are never disappointed -- they show up as regularly as heartburn after her over-spiced hot pot. Frustrated, you start taking potshots of your own, criticizing her at every turn. You also take out your anger on your spouse for not supporting you.

REACTION 2: The next time your mother-in-law makes an offensive comment, you blast her one. You tell her to mind her own beeswax, and, by the way, she has lousy taste in fashion to boot. She bursts into tears and the family picnic is ruined. And now your husband is upset that you told off his mom.

WHAT THE EXPERT SAYS: Families are systems. When one individual in a system has unhealthy boundaries, others will find it difficult to change their boundaries. But you can't ignore it or let the fear of hurting the other person stop you from protecting yourself. That will cause worse problems in the long run. If the relationship is important to you, you'll have to find ways to minimize the conflict.

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT: Ask your spouse to speak with his mom first. He may be able to soothe her anxiety and help her see how her “good advice” is backfiring. If he can't -- or won't -- speak to her, you have to. Be kind, but firm. Give her an example of the comment you find hurtful, then ask for her help in solving the problem. Don't expect instant results. But if your mother-in-law continues to behave in a demeaning manner, you can limit your contact with her until she smartens up. We all have the right to be treated with respect and dignity.

Set your boundaries
Many of us have difficulty setting our own boundaries or recognizing when they have been crossed. If you grew up in a home with rigidly defined limits set by others or fuzzy boundaries that change all the time (your father usually laughs at your irreverent humour, then you get scolded for being disrespectful) you might not know where your own limits are.

If in doubt, Susan Gifford, a registered clinical counsellor in Abbotsford, B.C., says to pay close attention to your physical and emotional reactions. “Your heart may speed up, your stomach may get a big knot and your head may start to pound. You may also get an emotional signal (big or little). You may feel scared, anxious or uncomfortable.”Anne Mahoney, a psychologist, agrees. “Notice what event triggered the reaction,” she says.

Boundary violations and solutions
Some of the most common violations and what you can do about them.

Boundary: Privacy
Violation: Your darling child loves to listen in on telephone conversations.
Solution: Explain why certain conversations are private and compare them to the special times you share with her. Assign a clear consequence for repeat offences.

Boundary: Talent
Violation: A fellow mom asks you to do her PTA work for her -– on the hush-hush.
Solution: Tell her that you'd be happy to collaborate as long as your name also goes on the report.

Boundary: Time
Violation: Your boss expects you to answer your pager without exceptions.
Solution: Tell you boss that family time is important. Turn your pager off during times when you are not available for work.

Boundary: Friendship
Violation: Your university girlfriends always rely on you to organize social plans.
Solution: Next time you get together, see if you can plan your next event on the spot. If not, ask one of the others to do the organizing, since you did it last time.

Boundary: Possessions
Violation: The neighbour borrows your garden tools and leaves them out in the rain.
Solution: Chalk this one up to experience. Now that you know he is not trustworthy, don't lend him tools in the future.

Boundary: Personal space
Violation: The student on the 6:30 a.m. bus to the city thinks it's better to chat than rest.
Solution: Ask him politely to keep his voice down and explain that others are being disturbed.

Do you get frustrated by the little things? Read about the 10 ways to laugh off embarrassing situations.

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