How to tame your inner grinch

How to be relatively cheerful
In spite of pervasive images of joyful storybook family Christmases, "Your actual family may be more like a soap opera," says Virginia. In fact, Dr. Janet Dowsling, a general practitioner-psychotherapist in Toronto, says conflict is inevitable in most families. Dowsling's advice: try to live in the present, focus on the day and make this an opportunity to let go of grudges.

"When we find things are getting to be too much, we stop and remember what Christmas is really all about -- Jesus. I'm sure even Jesus had hard-to-handle relatives."
- Patricia Landry, Bible Hill, N.S.

Grinch busters
• "If the relationship is important to you, don't leave unresolved grievances until Christmas," suggests Virginia. Invite the person to have coffee with you privately and discuss your feelings ahead of time. Remember that hateful thoughts won't make your day pleasant, says Dowsling. Repeat the Serenity Prayer to yourself: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

• Before you walk into the room where your sister-in-law (or whoever) is lurking, pause a moment, close your eyes and take some deep breaths, exhaling the negative feelings and imagining them draining out of your body. Picture her smiling at you and smile back.

• Virginia suggests inviting a much-loved family friend to the family festivities. "Difficult people are less likely to misbehave when there is someone other than family there," she says.

• Do a little diplomatic work ahead of time. Organize kitchen and cleanup crews carefully, separating the potential feuders. Give everyone a little job to do: sometimes people are cranky because they don't feel appreciated or useful.

Shopping for two
It just sort of happens -- one year you're exchanging a few carefully chosen gifts with friends and loved ones, the next (usually the first after your wedding) you're shopping for a list that reads like the Canadian Census.

Grinch busters
• Divide the labour along gender, not family, lines: you shop for the women and girls on both sides; he for the guys.

• Suggest your partner execute a specific assignment: for instance, he could buy all the gifts of wine or liqueurs, CDs, etc.

• If shopping is simply not for your mate, give him some of the other chores to do while you're at the mall: get the cars serviced, put up the decorations, stock the pantry, wrap packages for out-of-town mailing or deal with the dry cleaning.

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