The tricky process of joining two divorcées

3. Find an "up-side" for the kids.

The choice to marry is based upon the adults' desire for a significant intimate relationship. However from the child's perspective, they can perceive themselves losing time with the newly married parent. Further, they may now have to share other family resources and there may be a change in residence away from familiar community, friends and school. As such, kids may begrudge the new family and take out their upset on the new stepparent as the source or cause of change. The additional risk in these situations is when the child then complains to the ex-spouse, seeking to avoid the newly blended family.

The more familiar parent will likely take the child's side and try to minimize their upset. Frequently this takes the form of a challenge to the access regime, with less exposure to the newly blended family so as to keep the child away from the upsetting situation. However, this only creates new problems: Allowing time for your child's new relationships to develop, and facilitating the discovery of a percievable benefit to the child in the midst of the changes can minimize the risk of this situation.

4. Determine issues of responsibility and authority.

Adults entering into blended families need to discuss expectations and the limits of authority for the care, management and discipline of each other's children. Planning in advance and having the children experience these clearly set structures help the children learn and adjust to new rules.

A new partner can be a wonderful and refreshing experience for separated parents. However, before moving too quickly to marriage or co-habitation, it is best to take time to facilitate adjustment. The purpose of this is to increase the probability that the newly blended family will succeed for everyone and thus limit the chance of another failed marriage with all the disruption it brings to the children.

Do develop and enjoy new relationships. This is natural and healthy. Do so with sensitivity to your children's adjustment. It really does take considerable time, energy and discussion.