Most people really want to help loved ones who are struggling with cancer, but don't know how. Below, a cancer patient reveals her wish list:
Please allow me to introduce myself. I am a metastatic breast cancer patient. Although this means that I am almost certainly going to die of this disease (barring a miracle), I am not a victim. I don't like that word, and I would prefer that you never use that word around me. I am a regular person who happened to be standing in the wrong place at the wrong time, and I got whacked with the cancer stick. I have noticed that people don't always know what to say to me anymore, or what to do to help.
Most people are loving, caring souls who really do want to help, but really have no clue what I need. I thought that I would make a list of things that would help me. Please keep in mind that this is purely a subjective list. I have tried to include other viewpoints, but I don't want you to think that all things work for all people. We are wonderfully, excitingly unique human beings. And so, of course, our needs will be different. You will have to judge which suggestions you feel would be appropriate, and what you would be comfortable with.
1. If I want to talk to you about what life will be like after I am dead, do not under any circumstances give me that fake, terrified, cheerful smile and say, "Oh don't talk like that. You will be fine." There is every likelihood that I will not be fine, and it is very comforting to me to know that you will tell stories of me to your children (and my children), and will always hold me in your heart, it is incredibly comforting to hear that you will include my children, who are much too young to lose their mother, in your life in a much greater way than now while I am still here for them. You cannot depress me by acknowledging that death is probable or even imminent. I am all too aware of it. As a matter of fact, if you put on that fake cheer, all you are telling me is that you are not able to be "there" for me for my needs. If that is the case (and I won't fault you if it is), don't even try to pretend. Just give me a quick hug (there is nothing about me that is contagious), and tell me you care, and skedaddle. I don't have the time to waste on fair weather friends.
2. Don't give me the standard offer, "if there's anything I can do for you, please don't hesitate to give me a call." Most of us are strong and capable people, who have been used to taking care of ourselves (and usually others) for decades. It is very uncomfortable to be in a position of not being able to do for ourselves. I would suggest that you drop in for a visit, pick up a broom, and sweep. Ask if I have any plans for dinner, and start making it. I won't ask you to do these things. I am not used to asking for help. I am not good at it. If it is an emergency, I will call out for help. If it is the little day-to-day crap that piles up until it feels like it is going to consume me, I will probably not ask for your help. But I will be eternally grateful if you just come and do it. And ignore my "pooh poohing" you away from it. Be assertive. (But never mean!)
3. Talk about old times often. This has come as a surprise to many people when I have suggested it to them. They say, "But Aunt Nellie will think that I think she is about to die if I talk about old times." HELLO! She IS about to die. I am about to die (although I hope it is prolonged by long periods of relative wellness). And I love reminiscing. It helps me to remember fabulous times in my life that I may have forgotten. It brings me a smile. It helps me to remember that even if my life is cut much shorter than planned, it has still been a good life. It gives me a better sense of wholeness.
4. (Actually, corollary to 3.) Take some time to organize the photos into albums. I don't know a person alive (well, maybe one) who is really on top of their photos. Put everything else aside, and devote however much time it takes. Get the photos in albums, with captions, and stories. If you have a videocam, just set it up and let it go. If you just have a tape recorder, that would be great too. Not only will your loved one have a superb walk down memory lane, generations to come will bless you. If I had only done this with my mother...
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