10 secrets of a successful marriage

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You remember the man you married: Mr. Right made you laugh, looked glorious in a tight T-shirt and left you humming Katrina and the Waves' "Walking on Sunshine!" as you bounced out the door each day. Has he been replaced by Mr. I-Don't-Want-to-Talk-About-It?

Ah, wedded bliss. It isn't (sadly) a thorn-free bed of roses, but a lifelong commitment requiring effort, sacrifice and -- sometimes -- teeth-gritting patience. Not to mention a whole lot of love.

You may not have the kind of marriage country singers croon about, but you can if you treat your partner like a best friend and your problems as challenges requiring gentle diplomacy, says John Gottman, world-renowned researcher and coauthor of 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage (Crown, 2006, $33). Based on those two principles and by studying thousands of couples at his Seattle-based love lab, Gottman has developed 10 love lessons that strengthen the ties that bind.

He says that when small, positive behaviours, such as expressing appreciation or honouring each other's dreams, are frequently repeated, they can put a marriage on the high road to happiness.

Two of Canada's most noted psychologists agree. Along with Gottman, Gordon Neufeld, a clinical psychologist and coauthor of the bestselling Hold on to Your Kids (Ballantine, 2004, $22.95), and Sue Johnson, a leader in the field of couple therapy and a psychology professor at University of Ottawa, offer their advice.

1. Complain constructively
Do happily married couples grumble about each other? You bet they do. But presentation is everything. If you seethe silently, build up steam, then blow like Mount Vesuvius, your beloved will feel like the target of a personal attack, explains Johnson. "When a spouse is angry and complaining, we feel threatened on a deep level by the one person on whom we depend," she says.

• Fix it
Rather than stockpiling grievances and resentment, deal with problems immediately using clear and specific language. Keep your cool and describe the issue as you see it, but avoid sweeping statements. "Before you say anything, visualize holding your partner's hand, then talk about the things that are difficult," suggests Neufeld. "If you lose that feeling of being connected because you're furious, bite your tongue."

(Read 8 ways to fight fair for more tips on surviving arguments.)

2. Share your concerns
You've heard about the elephant in the living room: big issues that are impossible to ignore, like a massive mammal. Men avoid issues by dismissing them (think irritating in-laws); women fret. "Men think they're cooling things down, but it makes women feel minimized," says Johnson. The outcome: two emotionally separate lives that put your relationship at risk.

• Fix it
"Don't be secretive about how you feel," advises Neufeld. "If you swallow your feelings, you lose intimacy." Set aside time to discuss the problem and lay some ground rules. One talks; the other listens. He may ask questions to clarify, but not to disagree or problem-solve. Once you're done, he recaps your points. When he understands your position, reverse roles. "We advise couples to practise telling each other what they are feeling and what they need," says Gottman, "even if such expression brings conflicts to the surface."

3. Be a little selfish
A new baby. A bigger mortgage. Family illness. You dig deep, find inner strength and juggle stress, commitments and finances -- all out of love. But long after the crisis passes, you're still (by now resentfully) giving 110 per cent. Sure enough, your sense of injustice builds a wall between you. "Women often give and give," says Neufeld. "If you give until you resent it, you'll feel imprisoned."

• Fix it
Just say no. And say it often enough that your yes carries weight. "So although it may sound crazy to people who value hard work and devotion to family, our advice is this: You need to be a little more selfish," says Gottman. Schedule "me" time for your interests and "us" time to reconnect. "When responsibilities mount, such 'indulgences' are usually the first to go," he observes. "But outlets like these...provide you with the energy you need to navigate hard times."

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