10 secrets of a successful marriage

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4. Break the cycle
Criticism is a lonely creature, but sometimes it shares a bed with defensiveness and contempt. Before long, you've got a problem of biblical proportions. "With so much criticism and contempt in the air, neither partner feels like talking about things that really matter to either of them," says Gottman.

• Fix it
State your problem neutrally, without criticizing, insulting or digging up old bones. Tell your partner what you need ("I want to feel respected") rather than what you don't ("Don't call me names!"). When he responds, don't be defensive but listen carefully and ask open-ended questions ("How can we achieve this?"). Finally, thank him for listening to you.

5. Fulfil your dreams
Jack shouts at Jill, "All I ever do is work, and when I come home, you're at me!" Jill has heard it before but can't make sense of it. Why? Like a foreign film, Jack is speaking another language. Here's what his subtitles might say: "I used to dream we'd take a year off to travel. I'm sad because now that we can afford it, we aren't doing it." Even the most contented couples find some dreams sidelined or ignored, but when it becomes permanent, says Gottman, frustration festers. "Until dreams and feelings are recognized and honoured, the conflict is going to keep resurfacing."

• Fix it
Take turns talking intimately about your dreams, hopes and aspirations, then think of ways to be flexible about investigating them. It may be your deepest desire to slap on a Tilley hat and take an Indiana Jones vacation. But rather than circumnavigating the globe on a raft, consider a compromise, such as short, exciting trips that accommodate your spouse. In short, find ways to foster the spirit of each other's dreams.

(Read 7 steps to making your dreams come true and get closer to what you want.)

6. Support each other
First, there was a little black cloud. Then, the taciturn stranger moved in. Where did your happy spouse go? According to the Public Health Agency of Canada, he may have joined the eight per cent of adults who face major depression in their lifetimes. Or maybe it's temporary: setbacks at work, a death in the family or unrelenting stress has made him moody and harder to read than Sanskrit. Either way, if you're on the receiving end, his frustration and resentment can be frightening because it feels like an attack on you, says Johnson.

• Fix it
Listen compassionately, find support for both of you and leave counselling to the professionals. "A lot of people get into giving advice, but the research shows that's the absolute worst thing you can do," warns Johnson. "Your partner will see it as threatening." If your glum spouse becomes angry or critical of you, remember it's the gloom-and-doom talking and remind him of your needs.

7. Communicate with clarity
You don't ask your partner for much. Empty the dishwasher, maybe clean out that landfill of a garage, right? Right?! "No one wants to nag," comments Johnson. "But if your partner isn't responding and you can't get through any other way, you do it." And the more you do, the more he digs in his heels. (Memo to husbands: According to Gottman's research, a husband who considers his wife's advice has greater influence in his marriage because his wife feels respected and will respond to her husband's wishes, too.)

• Fix it
Get his focused attention, then let him know in neutral language what you need ("Could you clean out the garage?" rather than "Oh my gosh! What an unholy disaster!") and when you need it done ("By tomorrow"). Each of you should try to remain open to each other's ideas and to compromise. If he can't do as you ask immediately, for example, at least secure his good intentions for the future. "If he can tell you he's on side with you, it's not a confrontation anymore," says Neufeld.

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