Visit our forums to chat about relationships with other Canadian Living readers!
8. Calm your anger
Annoyance, irritation or fury -- call it what you will. Regardless of whether anger is directed at you or you've got your own issues to burn, it can be painful, nerve-racking and disruptive for all involved.
• Fix it
Calm down, take a step back and recast your indignant anger ("You're so selfish! You never think of me!") into personal frustration ("I'm hurt and upset that my needs aren't being met"). Anger is natural, says Neufeld, but it can be damaging if it eclipses love. Talking about frustration instead of anger "doesn't imply blame and resentment," he says, and so will be better received. "Express how something upset you, how it didn't work for you."
Read our expert tips on anger management.
9. Take time together
Forget Happy Families. These days, it's more like Busy Kids and Exhausted Parents. "Once the kids arrive, it feels as if your entire life is booked," says Gottman. "Problems arise, however, when couples use their parenting obligations as an excuse for neglecting their relationship with each other."
• Fix it
Start with a date night, such as a walk through the park or a beer at the pub. Practise turning toward your partner when he makes a bid for connection. If you're feeling out of sorts after a bad day and he brings you a glass of wine, for example, don't stay silent (turning away) or point out that you didn't want it (turning against). Accept the gesture, smile graciously and say thanks.
(Click here for 16 tips to rev your romance!)
10. Appreciate the differences
You wait for sales; he buys on impulse. You tidy-as-you-go; he prefers the science-experiment approach to housekeeping. Both are ongoing issues that, despite efforts to renovate each other, just won't go away.
• Fix it
Happy couples openly discuss their ongoing points of dispute, thereby making them more manageable, according to Gottman's studies. Make dialogue rather than problem-solving your goal, remembering that the issue -- not your partner -- is the problem. There are no right and wrong solutions. Above all, accept that the problem may never go away, but you can still be happy together.
Love tip:
Keep a mental list of qualities you admire in your spouse, whether it's his goofy sense of humour, his integrity or his manly forearms. "Fondness and admiration are the perfect antidotes to contempt," says Gottman. If you're tempted to find fault during an argument, "Look for evidence that your partner is getting it right." Ask him to do the same for you.
Read more: All about marriage.
Page 3 of 3
