8 issues all couples clash over

1. Housework from hell
Washing dishes, scrubbing floors, taking out the garbage, cleaning the toilet -- it's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it. Unfortunately, agreeing who does what is even a more horrible chore for some couples, like Corey and Mark. Some may try to drag paycheque power into it. Others are still stuck with outdated stereotypes of "women's work." And housework is always there -- a handy lightning rod for couples who are really angry about something else they are not comfortable dealing with yet.

What Mark and Corey did: They talked about their attitudes toward housework, and where they came from. They realized they hated doing dishes, for reasons that were ancient history -- Mark because his father always thought it was "sissy"; Corey because her mother had always criticized her childhood dishwashing technique -- reasons that had nothing to do with their adult selves.

2. Mad money
Couples can get surprisingly hot under the collar about cold cash -- whether to save or spend, what to spend it on, how to share paycheques. Michelle says, "They're laying off people where I work, but Dave plunked down half our savings for a pool table. I nearly throttled him."

"Money's a huge issue these days," says Sharon Lowe. This is partly because of the dicey job situation -- but for some it has powerful emotional overtones of love and security.

What Michelle and Dave did: Dave admitted he often got carried away by spending impulses he later regretted, so he was actually relieved when they switched their savings account to one that required both signatures for a withdrawal.

3. Bringing up baby
"Jake insists the girls should be made to eat everything on their plates, whether they're hungry or not," says Polly. "I'm sure he's only making them neurotic about food."

It's only natural that you won't start up with identical ideas on how to bring up children, Lowe points out. "No two partners come from the same family situations, so no two have had the same parenting." Adding fuel to the fire, blended family situations can bring other mismatched parenting styles into the mix. Throw in a kid who has learned to manipulate guilty parents, and even Barney would lose his cool.

What Polly and Jake did: They agreed that all they really wanted was what was best for their daughters. So now they try to get a third-party, expert opinion that makes sense to both of them. This might come from books, their pediatrician, or the girls' day-care supervisor.

4. In-laws and outlaws
They're meddling family members, ex-spouses who won't let go, or freeloading pals who don't know when to go home -- and they're trouble. They horn in on a relationship, criticizing, interfering, or hogging one partner's time and attention while the other one seethes.

"Every weekend old buddy Brad is at our house, watching sports with Jeff -- he even went on our last vacation with us," says Lynne, disgustedly.

What Lynne and Jeff did: After a lot of talk and some help from a therapist, Jeff admitted that Lynne deserved more attention, and is now encouraging Brad to get a life of his own. And Lynne is planning their next holiday at a "couples only" resort.

5. Holiday hostilities
"We had our first fight on our honeymoon," Vivian recalls. "Kyle wanted to lie on the beach and drink daiquiries, and I wanted to go shopping and sightseeing. By the time we got home we weren't speaking."

Dealing with unspoken expectations, strange food and beds, wonky routines, sunburn and Montezuma's revenge can make anyone testy, and big family holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas or Hanukkah add the extra delights of deciding which in-laws to visit, and coping with them when you arrive.

What Vivian and Kyle did: When they finally started talking again, they realized that each had imagined a different honeymoon, but neither had mentioned it to the other. Now, they agree on what to do and see before they book a vacation.

6. I'm okay, you're weird
He leaves the top off the toothpaste, bursts into song in public places, and invites people over on a whim. She plans everything weeks in advance, arranges the kitchen cupboards alphabetically, and always put the top on the toothpaste. Is there hope? "These two people invariably get together," laughs Sally Muir, and "each can be good for the other." He could teach her to relax more and she could help him with personal organization.

What this couple did: They bought "his" and "hers" toothpaste tubes and practiced looking for something that they could learn from every quirk. They weren't always successful, but they were often entertained.

7. All-work or all-play mates
Paul complains that his wife, Nancy, an editor, is "always going in early and working late -- and weekends she lugs home a briefcase and laptop." Nancy says Paul is so addicted to TV sports in winter and golf in summer that she's surprised he even noticed. Both feel neglected, so they seek solace in -- you guessed it -- more work and more play.

What Nancy and Paul are trying: To recapture the spark of dating. They meet sometimes for lunch in a romantic little restaurant near her office, or take in a movie or sports event after work. And they talk on the phone now almost as much as they did before they were married.

8. Sex -- a touchy subject
Too much or too little, too boring or too adventurous, or simply not on the same wavelength? "I've never yet met a couple who both had the same sex drive," says Lowe, noting that she sees a lot of fights about this, but that the reason for the quarrel might be disguised as something else. And frequently, "couples don't fight as much as they just don't talk about it," says Sally Muir.

One couple said, "We never seemed to get around to making love -- one of us was always tired or too busy, and someone's feelings were always hurt because they felt rejected. Then I read somewhere about scheduling it in your calendar. It didn't sound very romantic, but we tried it, and it really works -- it's exciting, like a date."

Men and women "really don't speak the same language," says Sally Muir. For instance, he may see silently watching TV together as quality companionship; she may think he's ignoring her -- to her, relating means talking. And women typically want communication before sex, while sex is communication for many men, she notes.

Actually talking about how men and women communicate differently, and trying to think of examples in your own relationship, can be surprising -- and very revealing.

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