1. Housework from hell
Washing dishes, scrubbing floors, taking out the garbage, cleaning the toilet -- it's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it. Unfortunately, agreeing who does what is even a more horrible chore for some couples, like Corey and Mark. Some may try to drag paycheque power into it. Others are still stuck with outdated stereotypes of "women's work." And housework is always there -- a handy lightning rod for couples who are really angry about something else they are not comfortable dealing with yet.
What Mark and Corey did: They talked about their attitudes toward housework, and where they came from. They realized they hated doing dishes, for reasons that were ancient history -- Mark because his father always thought it was "sissy"; Corey because her mother had always criticized her childhood dishwashing technique -- reasons that had nothing to do with their adult selves.
2. Mad money
Couples can get surprisingly hot under the collar about cold cash -- whether to save or spend, what to spend it on, how to share paycheques. Michelle says, "They're laying off people where I work, but Dave plunked down half our savings for a pool table. I nearly throttled him."
"Money's a huge issue these days," says Sharon Lowe. This is partly because of the dicey job situation -- but for some it has powerful emotional overtones of love and security.
What Michelle and Dave did: Dave admitted he often got carried away by spending impulses he later regretted, so he was actually relieved when they switched their savings account to one that required both signatures for a withdrawal.
3. Bringing up baby
"Jake insists the girls should be made to eat everything on their plates, whether they're hungry or not," says Polly. "I'm sure he's only making them neurotic about food."
It's only natural that you won't start up with identical ideas on how to bring up children, Lowe points out. "No two partners come from the same family situations, so no two have had the same parenting." Adding fuel to the fire, blended family situations can bring other mismatched parenting styles into the mix. Throw in a kid who has learned to manipulate guilty parents, and even Barney would lose his cool.
What Polly and Jake did: They agreed that all they really wanted was what was best for their daughters. So now they try to get a third-party, expert opinion that makes sense to both of them. This might come from books, their pediatrician, or the girls' day-care supervisor.
4. In-laws and outlawsThey're meddling family members, ex-spouses who won't let go, or freeloading pals who don't know when to go home -- and they're trouble. They horn in on a relationship, criticizing, interfering, or hogging one partner's time and attention while the other one seethes.
"Every weekend old buddy Brad is at our house, watching sports with Jeff -- he even went on our last vacation with us," says Lynne, disgustedly.
What Lynne and Jeff did: After a lot of talk and some help from a therapist, Jeff admitted that Lynne deserved more attention, and is now encouraging Brad to get a life of his own. And Lynne is planning their next holiday at a "couples only" resort.
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