"We had our first fight on our honeymoon," Vivian recalls. "Kyle wanted to lie on the beach and drink daiquiries, and I wanted to go shopping and sightseeing. By the time we got home we weren't speaking."
Dealing with unspoken expectations, strange food and beds, wonky routines, sunburn and Montezuma's revenge can make anyone testy, and big family holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas or Hanukkah add the extra delights of deciding which in-laws to visit, and coping with them when you arrive.
What Vivian and Kyle did: When they finally started talking again, they realized that each had imagined a different honeymoon, but neither had mentioned it to the other. Now, they agree on what to do and see before they book a vacation.
6. I'm okay, you're weird
He leaves the top off the toothpaste, bursts into song in public places, and invites people over on a whim. She plans everything weeks in advance, arranges the kitchen cupboards alphabetically, and always put the top on the toothpaste. Is there hope? "These two people invariably get together," laughs Sally Muir, and "each can be good for the other." He could teach her to relax more and she could help him with personal organization.
What this couple did: They bought "his" and "hers" toothpaste tubes and practiced looking for something that they could learn from every quirk. They weren't always successful, but they were often entertained.
7. All-work or all-play mates
Paul complains that his wife, Nancy, an editor, is "always going in early and working late -- and weekends she lugs home a briefcase and laptop." Nancy says Paul is so addicted to TV sports in winter and golf in summer that she's surprised he even noticed. Both feel neglected, so they seek solace in -- you guessed it -- more work and more play.
What Nancy and Paul are trying: To recapture the spark of dating. They meet sometimes for lunch in a romantic little restaurant near her office, or take in a movie or sports event after work. And they talk on the phone now almost as much as they did before they were married.
8. Sex -- a touchy subject
Too much or too little, too boring or too adventurous, or simply not on the same wavelength? "I've never yet met a couple who both had the same sex drive," says Lowe, noting that she sees a lot of fights about this, but that the reason for the quarrel might be disguised as something else. And frequently, "couples don't fight as much as they just don't talk about it," says Sally Muir.
One couple said, "We never seemed to get around to making love -- one of us was always tired or too busy, and someone's feelings were always hurt because they felt rejected. Then I read somewhere about scheduling it in your calendar. It didn't sound very romantic, but we tried it, and it really works -- it's exciting, like a date."
Men and women "really don't speak the same language," says Sally Muir. For instance, he may see silently watching TV together as quality companionship; she may think he's ignoring her -- to her, relating means talking. And women typically want communication before sex, while sex is communication for many men, she notes.
Actually talking about how men and women communicate differently, and trying to think of examples in your own relationship, can be surprising -- and very revealing.
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