No matter which of these irritants pushes your bicker button, therapists agree there's one sure-fire step toward peaceful resolution -- real communication. Sally Muir has each partner tell his or her side of the argument, while the other one listens without judging or interrupting. Then, the listener has to repeat back what was just said. "That makes them actually listen," she says -- a new experience for some.
Muir also thinks it's important that couples decide together what the rules will be, and who will do what. "People will fight about any area that hasn't been defined," says Muir.
Sharon Lowe also emphasizes communication, and the importance of honesty, of not blaming or accusing each other when you talk things out. "Stop and ask yourself if you're stuck in 'always,' as in 'You always ignore me,'" she says. Instead, try to express your own feelings, as in "I feel ignored."
Where there's a will, there's a way
Being willing to compromise, to go more than halfway in making the relationship work, is also essential, she feels. Fifty-fifty is not enough, says Lowe -- "both partners should give 110 per cent" to make sure all bases are covered.
Instead of seeing differences as a problem, suggests Sally Muir, try celebrating them. "Accept that you're completely different people, and that different is neither right nor wrong." Above all, she says, "Stay curious, and get your partner to explain how he arrived at the viewpoint you disagree with. As long as you can talk about your family backgrounds, life experiences and other things that make you two unique people," says Muir, "there's hope."
But what if you're stuck on an issue you just can't resolve, or every discussion erupts in a shouting match? "I believe every couple needs help sometimes in their relationship," says Lowe, and the earlier you seek therapy, the easier and quicker you may get results.
As for Corey and Mark's dishwasher dilemma, after some serious negotiation they decided on a compromise -- now they do the dishes as a team. A bonus: "We used to spend our evenings separately, but now, whatever conversation we started at dinner just continues on. We're actually talking more now thanks to the dishes."
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