Are you and your partner compatible?

When I was in my mid-teens, my peers were saying things like "I want to get married by the time I'm 23 (or whatever age)." I always thought that this was an odd way of talking about marriage. It wasn't about compatibility; it was about getting married.

As I got older and into the present, I would talk to someone -- usually a young woman -- who is about to get married and I ask her "Why are you going to marry this guy?" Her response was most often, "I love him!"

What an absolutely nutty reason to get married. I've spoken with many women that when asked about the possibility of leaving their men, reply "But I love him!"

Let me make this crystal clear -- one of the stupidest reasons for getting married or staying in a bad marriage is love. Period!

You want to get married because you are compatible: you have similar goals; he will be a good friend and supporter; that you are of similar nature; that you enjoy many of the same important things; you both want (or don't want) children; AND that you love each other. You don't get married just because of love. That is dangerous, infantile and immature. Yet countless, supposedly mature adults do this every year for this single reason.

Mature healthy love is certainly a necessary ingredient in a good relationship, but it is not sufficient in and of itself.

First off -- and please don't shoot the messenger -- but it is virtually impossible to give something that you don't have and self-identity is finished forming around the 27th year of life. How can you get married and give of yourself when you marry early and your self-identity still hasn't formed?

If you get married (or something similar) before your identity as a separate autonomous human being has formed, you interfere with this process. And even many older adults still struggle with who they are.

Healthy long-term relationships that stand the test of time are based on compatibility. There are different types of compatibility or incompatibility.