Handling difficult in-laws

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Q: My husband and I are currently expecting our first child. His mother is a heavy smoker who insists we visit her on a regular basis but continues to smoke around me. I am either forced to sit alone in another room or we leave, which causes her to become very upset. To top it all off, she blames me for her not seeing her son or me as often as she once did. She is constantly mentioning grandparents' rights to us because she realizes we will not allow our child in a home with smokers. She will not reason with my husband or me and it regularly turns into a large family fight where everyone is angry with me, believing that I am controlling and manipulating my husband into avoiding his family when in fact, it's his choice to stay home with me. Any suggestions?

A: An open letter to you and your husband:

Gently take each other by the hand and stand in front of a mirror. There you will see what is most important of all: a soon to be family of three. Like your child, your home is still vulnerable, still needing your strongest and best efforts to protect and nurture it. Other family and friends must naturally take a different place in your lives as you take on this awesome responsibility, which helps provide you and your children with a safe and healthy place to establish your lives and live them well. That's the primary job at this stage of your life.

How wonderful that your child already has a father who loves to spend time with her/his mom. And how wise it is that mom is trying her best to keep that child away from dangerous things such as second-hand smoke. Her fetal development depends on it.

Now, what to do about that second-hand angst that seems to fill the air whenever you visit with family? That one is mostly up to you to handle dad -- because it's your family. And mom, you can provide sensitive and loving support behind the scenes. Teamwork and a united front are what you'll need to handle the challenges of the many years that you have ahead of you.