Helping your kids through your divorce

Right after separation or divorce, kids are sad for a time. Their sadness hurts us too, and makes us want to do something to eliminate their pain. But we have to remember they have a right to their sadness, and to any other feelings they may be experiencing, including anger. After all, the world as they've always known it has ended.

From most children's point of view, living with both parents -- even if half the kids at school don't –- is the natural order of things. When that order is disrupted, it opens up a whole spectrum of unknowns.

So you can expect children to react with anxiety and fear, as well as sadness and anger -– but you can comfort and reassure them, too. You can help them get through this time by being:

1. Consistent: making your relationship with them as predictable and reliable as you can.

2. Loving: showing them, through actions as well as words, how much you care for them.

3. Reassuring: telling them, in no uncertain terms, that even though their parents have separated, Mommy and Daddy both still love them, and will both still be there for them -– and backing up those statements by promoting a good relationship between them and the absent parent.

By taking this approach, your children will have a good chance of working through their anxieties and learning to accept the new reality in their lives. But as you did, they'll need time to mourn their old life before accepting the new one –- even if the new one's going to be better.

Be clear that this is permanent
In the meantime, you'll have to be honest with them about the permanence of your breakup. Most children entertain at least some hopes and fantasies that Mom and Dad will get back together again.

They may cling to these hopes and fantasies for a surprisingly long time –- especially if neither parent is involved in a stable relationship with someone else. If that finally happens, the children are usually able to say, “You know, I can't imagine you and Dad (Mom) living together anymore -– you're both so different.”

Until then, you can expect your kids to indulge in reconciliation fantasies. And that's all right, if it gives them a temporary handhold on the security they need. Just remember that you don't need to act out their fantasies for them. After all, you don't act out all your own fantasies –- why should you feel an obligation to act out someone else's?

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Excerpted from On Your Own Again by Keith Anderson and Roy Macskimming. Copyright 2007 by Keith Anderson and Roy Macskimming. Excerpted by permission of McClelland & Stewart. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.