4. Have the right intentions. Whether we're aware of it or not, most of us have a personal agenda when it comes to conversations. (I generally like to convince people I'm right!) "When we are talking with others we often want something from them," says Shore, who believes that we need to shift from "what's in it for me" to being genuinely curious about what the other person has to say.
Try this: Shore says to ask yourself, What is the purpose of each conversation I enter into? Make sure it's one you feel good about. "For instance, if the purpose is to show someone you're better than they are then you shouldn't even have the conversation," she adds. "Or if your intention is to change a friend or her spouse's behaviour, instead simply try to understand their perspective and what's behind their actions."
Tip: The next time you're about to pick up the phone and call your best friend, think about what you hope to achieve. Would you like her to feel listened to and supported? Or do you want to show you're interested in what's going on her life? And if you want to be the one listened to, then come right out and say so. Tell her that you could really use a shoulder to cry on, and make it clear that you're not looking for advice.
5. Put the conversation on hold.
It's OK to delay if you don't have the time or energy to be a good listener, such as when your mom calls to talk about the latest family event while you're making dinner, or a coworker shows up at your office door to discuss a problem and you've got a deadline to meet.
Tip: Shore says to tell your family member or coworker that you'd really like to be able to give him your undivided attention and agree to reconnect at a more suitable time.
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