In practice, it's rare for one partner to just be complicated and the other just simple. Depending on what aspect of life you're talking about, sometimes one person is contained in the other, sometimes the to other way around. In the traditional marriage, it was usually the woman who intellectually had her place within her husband. She let him think and decide for the both of them. The man, on the other hand, was often emotionally contained within his wife. He let her sense and feel for the both of them. And the exact opposites existed as well.
In modern relationships, it's even more complex: here you often find both of you in the position of the Complicated One; the contentment of the Simple One hardly exists anymore. Both of you accuse the other of having shortcomings and demand that the other change. This leads the couple into a narcissistic dead end: "The other has to change him- or herself into what I want."
How you can solve the dilemma
• What the Complicated One can do:
Be loyal and patient. Stay in the relationship. C. G. Jung know from his long psychotherapeutic practice that a separation from an "unsatisfying" partner doesn't really solve this problem. His advice is to endure this dilemma consciously, and call your soul to the rescue. Because the soul always strives for unity, doing so will mobilize your inner strengths. You will find an opportunity to reunite with your inner self, instead of seeking it in another person. The greatest reward for you patience is that you experience yourself as "undivided in yourself." You find more unity in your own depth, are more protected in your coupledom, and your relationship is safe.
• What the Simple One can do:
Broaden your horizons, and try something new. The fact that you can recognize the problem of "simple" and "complicated" at all is an important sign for your relationship. It enters a new phase, the phase of transformation. you now have the chance to give a new depth to your relationship. Signal to your partner that you want to shape the new phase together. Tell your partner, "I'm happy that there's more there than I had thought." Build new spaces for yourself within your relationship, and invite the other in. Get interested in something new, develop yourself, transform yourself – do it somehow. You don't have to conquer the fields of interest and depth of your partner's soul – just go after your own at first. As long as your partner understands your new aspects, he or she will feel relieved and glad: "There's more in you than I thought there was."
• What you both can do:
Learn from each other. The Simple One encourages you to be content and indicates how much good there already is between you. The Complicated One encourages growth and shows what all is still possible for the two of you. The good news is that in your homestead there are many more rooms than you think! There is room to add on, renovate, and expand; there are completely new, undiscovered regions. It's like a married farmer couple who turns their estate into an organic farm, starts a guesthouse, gets into energy production with rapeseed field and biogas, or whatever. It's exciting and challenging, rewarding and risky.
Page 3 of 4 - page 4 tells you how to sort it all out.
Excerpted from How to Simplify Your Love, copyright 2008 by Marion Küstenmacher and Werner Tiki Küstenmacher. Used by permission of McGraw-Hill Companies. All Rights Reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced except with permission in writing from the publisher.
