Intergenerational friendships

The most remarkable friend I ever had was my riding partner Laura Thomas, an Englishwoman I met 14 years ago when she was 83 and I was 39. "Mrs. T." and I shared a love of animals and the minutiae of horse care. But her age made her different -- in a positive sense. She was never in a rush to pick up the kids from soccer. She was never vibrating with the frustration of fighting heavy traffic after a long day at the office and she wasn't worried about making mortgage payments or sandwiches for the bridge club. Mrs. T. had reached a stage in her life when she could relax. She was happy with herself, yet she was never dull, and her joy in simply living every day to its fullest was pure inspiration for me.

Wit and honesy
When we went out riding, we talked politics and murder trials, fashions and the economy. She impressed me with her wit and her lack of pretense. And she made me laugh. Once when I got a really short haircut, she did a double take and actually yelled out, "My God, why did you do that to yourself?" Another time, when she survived a hard fall from her horse, I was so relieved that I cried. "Oh, Barbara," she chided me, "you are a soft touch."

Of all the friendships we make in our lives, it's our connection with women who are significantly older or younger than we are that can be the most profound and enlightening. This intergenerational bonding offers us a rare window on ourselves. It gives us new perspectives and insight. It also imparts a sense of the unusual in our often ordinary lives. It teaches us younger women to slow down and smell the roses, and it gives our older friends like Mrs. T. a sense of immediacy and currency.

Connecting the generations
As women age, they tend to realize time is finite, observes Lucy MacDonald, an author and counsellor in private practice in Montreal. They become more honest, and younger women are attracted by that quality and spirit. Older women impart a sense of meaning or history as well as "wisdom and sturdy values," says MacDonald. In turn, she adds, they are flattered and informed by the attentions of the young and "feel a part of something. These friendships also help to balance the disconnection between generations. And as long as there is reciprocal regard and affection, they are healthy."

MacDonald says these relationships can start with a mutual interest, such as riding, or a similar life experience, such as two women of different ages at a self-help group or craft session. The opportunities also abound in the workplace and on the volunteer front. "The initial bond is the shared experience," says MacDonald.

Many of us have been lucky enough to experience a special connection that has jumped a generation within our own families. I was better friends with my grandmother than my mother for most of my life, probably because she accepted me at face value and was always interested in the various plot developments of my life. But, of course, we don't choose our families. Friendship is voluntary, and that's what makes it so valuable.

Fond memories
Whenever I think of Mrs. T., I see us sitting under a tree one summer day after riding, drinking gin and tonic and talking about my precarious existence as a freelance writer. "Come on, Barb," she said, giving me a dig with her elbow. "You'll be all right. Just get on with it." Then she looked up and watched as the sky clouded over. "Well," she said with satisfaction, "we've had the best of the day."

The truth is my friendship with Mrs. T. was the best of many days. Another truth is opportunities to befriend women both older and younger than ourselves are all around us -- we just have to open our minds to the possibilities. They wait -- like the following stories of four unlikely women friends -- right under our noses.