Intergenerational friendships

Rev. Dr. Cheri DiNovo, 54, and Maya Zminkowska, 20
A keen joy for living along with a sharp intellect and a galvanizing energy are what attracted Maya Zminkowska, a student at the University of Toronto, to Rev. Dr. Cheri DiNovo, pastor of Emmanuel Howard Park United Church in Toronto. Cheri is a former owner of a high-powered job-placement agency and a minister for the past nine years. The two friends met three years ago when Maya was a member of Cheri's congregation. Maya then worked as a technician on a college radio show called "The Radical Reverend," which Cheri hosts once a week. They clicked instantly; Cheri is young for her age and Maya is an old soul. "I am 20 going on 40," says Maya, laughing. "Besides, I like older people. With friends my own age, I have fun. With older women, I have philosophical talks." Spirituality, religion, sex -- nothing is off limits for the two friends, probably because Cheri, a child of the '60s, has lived through many of Maya's current dilemmas and is not too proud to admit it. "I've tried to be honest with her about my growing up…trying drugs, sexual misadventures," says Cheri. "I have no time for hypocrisy."

An place to come home to
In the years since they met, Maya has been one of a number of young people who tried spreading her wings by renting a room in the sprawling DiNovo household after she left home. And now that Cheri has moved into a condo, Maya may crash on her couch when she is between apartments. In return for the open invitation, Maya asked Cheri to her high school graduation last year to hear her valedictorian speech. Cheri was flattered but also visited by a sense of déjà vu. "It was like I was watching myself grow up," she recalls. Yet in other ways she thinks Maya is similar to women her own age: "She is sophisticated and joyous to connect with." Cheri and Maya make it a point to keep their friendship alive. Maya house sat for Cheri over the holidays, and the two try to get together as often as possible.

Talking to each of them separately, you are struck by how alike they are. Each has a self-deprecating sense of humour, and they are both ambitious, although Cheri says her life as a wife, mother of two grown children and pastor is "solidly entrenched" while Maya is just beginning her life's journey. Still, Cheri sees a lot of herself in Maya. "In a way, I have experience being her and being me," says Cheri. And if she serves as a mentor, Cheri is happy for the insight she can offer. "Older men have been mentoring younger men for years. Women are finally catching up."

An empowering mentor
For her part, Maya describes Cheri in glowing terms. "She is the sweetest, most compassionate and open-minded person I know. I don't feel the need to hide anything from Cheri. Her advice differs from situation to situation, but when I talk to her, I always end up feeling motivated and empowered, knowing that no situation is permanent or impenetrable. Knowing that I can stay with Cheri if I have to makes me feel like someone really cares about me and like I have some serious, dependable options. That is pretty freeing."

Cheri says the secret to attracting younger friends is "rigorous humility." In other words, you always need to remember who you were when you were young. While Maya grew up in a home in which her parents and their friends treated the children with equality and, as a result, she is inclined to like and trust adults, Cheri remembers when she was Maya's age, she didn't like -- or respect -- adults.

The cause of many intergenerational problems
"As a kid I always thought grown-ups were dishonest," she says. It's a feeling that pervades society now because her generation -- like those before -- has lost its revolutionary fervour and adopted a feeling of entitlement, which young people find particularly irksome. Worse, she thinks many older women forget their own youth and become judgmental. "The young have time on their side," she says. "And when they have brains, too, older women may look at them as competitors. It's sad. They could be capitalizing on a wealth of experience to be mentors and real friends."

Cheri enjoys and embraces the welcome robustness and vitality of younger friends. They are an injection of energy and in touch with the pulse of the world. An added treat, young women give their older friends currency in culture, says Cheri. In music, movies, clothes and vocabulary, they are right on top of the latest styles. "I am fascinated by that," adds Cheri. "How do they know?"

For Cheri the friendship is about much more than skirt lengths, of course. Like me and Mrs. T., Cheri's closeness with Maya brings a special reward. It's a confirmation of a life well lived. Says Cheri: "If Maya can look at me and see my honesty, that is a terrific gift."