Intergenerational friendships

Joan Leighton, early 70s, and Debra Kobe, 43
May-December friendships can start with any mutual interest, even one as simple as dog walking. Joan Leighton, a realtor, met Debra Kobe, an office worker, three years ago in the High Park area of Toronto when Joan was walking her dog, Harley. "She was such an attractive girl," says Joan, "I noticed her right away." At first, Debra was pushing a baby in a stroller and towing her German short-haired pointer, Muskett. After awhile the stroller disappeared, and Joan worked up the courage to introduce herself and ask why. "It turned out her daughter, Paige (now five years old), was in day care," says Joan.

Concentrating on their dogs (who also get along famously), the two women soon made arrangements to walk and talk. "Even when I had Paige along and she was out of sorts, Joan didn't mind," says Debra. "Screaming babies didn't faze her." Since Joan was a mother of three herself, Debra's new friend was immediately supportive. "I would tell her that it wore me down sometimes," says Debra. "And she would encourage me by saying, ‘You'll get through this.' She was so cheerful, she always made me feel better."

A weekend away
Sometimes, sans pooches, they had lunch or dinner in a local restaurant. A highlight was a girls' and dogs' weekend at Joan's cottage on Lake Huron. "We sat on the deck and talked," says Joan. "We walked on the beach and talked some more, swam, ate well and had a little wine. It was relaxing and pleasant." They never ran out of topics for conversation, remembers Debra. "We talked about all the homes she had sold, her kids and my marriage. I could tell her anything. Joan felt like a mother in some ways. She was always generous with her time."

A lesson in confidence
Joan relished her role as a sounding board. "Debra had her ups and downs with her marriage. I just listened and sympathized with what men do sometimes," says Joan. "We women need warmth. Debra is a sweet girl, but she is cautious. I taught her the value of a smile. I told her everybody loves vivacious, outgoing people and that fear was her worst enemy. I encouraged her to open up more." Says Debra: "I am intimidated by people who have a lot going for them. But Joan has everything going for her, and she showed me that she was willing to be my friend. I felt better about myself."

For Joan, Debra was also refreshing and youthful. "Some women, when they get older, sit back and practically wait to die," says Joan. "They let themselves get out of the loop. I have always been attracted by the exuberance of the young."

A special lady
Like Mrs. T., Joan is remarkable for her age. She is sharp and friendly. She is also a go-getter who is still active in the real-estate business. She has two grown-up daughters and a son with whom she is close; but the girls live on the West Coast, and she doesn't see them often. Still, she says, like her mother before her, she spent a lot of time with her children when they were young and counts them as friends today.

Debra's upbringing was not as family-oriented. Her mom was busy working to support the family because Debra's father wasn't around. "We were alone a lot," remembers Debra. With Joan, Debra could rewrite her own childhood history, open up about her problems and get positive feedback. "Older women are more understanding and nurturing," says Debra. "I always feel comfortable talking to Joan. When I see her she says, ‘Hi, Debs,' and gives me a quick hug and I'm happy." The payoff was profound: Debra began to gain confidence.

More friends
Since meeting Joan, Debra has made it a point to get more involved in her community. She has joined a local church, where she teaches Sunday school and sings in the choir. And she found another new friend: a 71-year-old woman who has become her swimming buddy. Whenever she can, Debra sits down and talks to older women because "they have lived through things, such as the Second World War, that I will never see." Besides the history lessons, Joan says older women can teach the young a sense of optimism. "When you reach a certain age, a lot of life's baggage drops away. You look at the world in a different light and say, ‘Hey, this is pretty great.'"