The communications professional in British Columbia, who has one child, says, "Mostly I lack spontaneous desire. I feel bad because it has nothing to do with my husband, and when we do get around to having sex, I enjoy it. It's just that I don't ever think about initiating it anymore, and if he sits around waiting for me to start, it's never going to happen."
Meg's statement is a common refrain, say the sexperts, and it's one that men should listen to carefully because it suggests that just because a woman isn't initiating sex, doesn't mean she won't get into it once the game has begun.
"When I describe this scenario in my talks, all I see is a sea of nodding heads," says Betito. "The majority of women tell me that once they've made the decision to play, they have fun. They get aroused. This is a normal pattern. What would be of concern to me would be a woman who said she felt nothing at all after things got started."
Meg adds that a sexual relationship is something a couple has to consciously work at; as much as you might not like to talk about it, you have to. Even though her own level of desire has changed, she adds, "I feel I have to make an effort to be more receptive to my husband's advances, because it's important to both of us. If you don't ever have sex, you lose that little something that keeps you a couple."
Just do it
Pharmaceutical companies are working on it, but there's no pill or patch to kickstart a woman's desire. Many experts doubt that medical solutions, such as testosterone patches, could ever deliver without unsexy side-effects, such as acne and excess body hair. In the end, the solution to low libido – like the problem – may be in our own heads.
"You have to start by admitting that sex is something you want in your life and start consciously thinking about it," says Betito. "You can build time for sex into your schedule: put it on the calendar for a Saturday night so you can start thinking and planning and fantasizing about it on Tuesday. Build up the anticipation."
Act like you used to when you were younger: Derzko recalls when she and her college friends spent "half a day getting ready for a date. We made sure we looked right, we smelled right. By the time the door opened, we were in the mood for it.
"The longer you go without sex, the more you start to avoid each other completely, because you worry that your partner will misunderstand any show of affection as an invitation to sexual intercourse," says Derzko. "So agree to spend some time being intimate – snuggling, playing games, kissing, massaging – with the understanding that it won't end in intercourse. Though, it just might." *Name has been changed.
Tips for improving your sex life
The experts agree: your interest in sex is usually tied to your physical and emotional health. To see if your lifestyle is getting in Cupid's way, ask yourself these questions.
Am I eating properly? Aim for a balance of carbs, fats and proteins, and boost those omega-3 fatty acids. You'll be in a more positive and receptive mood if you eat properly.
Page 3 of 4 -- Are you a new mom? Find 3 tips to get your sex life back on track on page 4.
