How to protect yourself against romantic fraud:
First, acknowledge that you could be a potential target. "Who’s vulnerable? Someone who thinks it can't happen to her," says sociologist Sally Caldwell, an associate professor at Texas State University and author of Romantic Deception: The Six Signs He’s Lying (Adams Media Corp., 1999, $10.95). If you’re honest, open and strive to see the best in people, you’re a con's perfect victim. "Putting the responsibility on the woman is a classic case of blaming the victim. When we blame the victim, it makes us feel safe, like, ‘I would have been smarter; therefore, it would never happen to me,' " says Caldwell.
Well, it can. A con game can be so persuasive that intuition alone may not provide a loud enough alert. Caldwell tells of one woman who shared her suspicions about a new beau with her family, who called her irrational and said, "Give it a rest. You deserve a good man." Psychopathy expert Robert Hare, consultant to the RCMP and FBI , advises recognizing your own weak spots, such as a desperation to be in a relationship. "Have a healthy dose of cynicism, particularly if a strong social, sexual or financial relationship is starting to develop," he says.
A romantic con can appear anywhere: at work, on vacation, online, at your place of worship. Be especially cautious of men who have no apparent connections with
relatives, friends or colleagues. Says Lynn Booth, producer of the Global TV series "Very Bad Men" about con artists, "Ask yourself why these men are rolling around loose. Where are those commitments?"
Watch for these other red flags:
• The relationship takes off like a rocket.
• He overwhelms you with attention, eye contact, gifts and promises of adventure.
• He keeps you on a short leash with frequent phone calls.
• He meets your relatives and friends but you don't meet his.
• He becomes evasive or testy when questioned.
• Your intuition tells you that he's too good to be true.
• He asks for access to your financial information or credit cards.
Reporting a con:
If you suspect you're being conned, end the relationship immediately. Change your locks and don't confront him. Most cons won't return for revenge, but psychologist
Robert Hare, professor emeritus at the University of British Columbia and a consultant to the RCMP and the FBI, says there are exceptions and confrontation is risky.
• Should you rat him out online? The Florida-based website www.dontdatehimgirl.com has profiles of more than 41,000 men and more than one million members, almost 20 per cent of them Canadian. A post serves to alert other women, but Hare cautions that public shaming won't reform con men.
• Lying about love is not a crime. But if your con man defrauds or steals from you, or even if you're not sure a crime has been committed, contact police. You can report economic crime online at www.recol.ca or call PhoneBusters at 1-888-495-8501.
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