Suspicious minds

Lara and Bruce dated for three years before they got married in 1990. Although Bruce was Lara's first significant other, Bruce had had a number of relationships before Lara and, nine years later, is still friends with a couple of them. When the phone rings and it's one of Bruce's old flames, Lara can't stop feeling jealous. "I know he'd never do anything," she stammers, at a loss for an explanation, "but I just can't help it."

Lara's is probably the most common type of jealousy: the type that you know isn't founded on any real risk, but makes your blood boil anyway. Of course you trust your mate. Of course you don't really think he's booking a room at the No-Tell Motel even as you speak. But you feel jealous anyway. And most people have their jealous buttons. If these aren't pressed by old girlfriends or wives, they may be by attractive (and perfectly innocent) co-workers or business associates. Maybe your husband's panting comments about Sharon Stone make you see green. Or maybe your worst fight ever was after the night he spent talking to a woman at a party whose insight wasn't particularly revealing but whose dress, frankly, was.

"Nobody, no matter who you are, is completely certain of themselves," says Joanne Briggs, a psychologist with a general practice in Toronto. But while some people in Lara's position will simply put their jealous feelings into perspective and then shelve them and go about their business, others won't find that so easy. And that's because jealousy is partly a learned reaction, says Briggs. Children who learn good social skills and self-esteem when small, she says, don't usually become adults who get jealous easily. The good news is that even if you didn't learn those skills as a child, you can teach yourself self-esteem now. There are a lot of books available on the subject (check the psychology section of your bookstore). Or, you can enlist a therapist to help you focus on your strengths and put the weaknesses that make you feel vulnerable into perspective.

You might also tell your partner how you feel, suggests psychologist Judith Coldoff of North York, Ontario. "Say, 'When you talk about Mary that way, I feel jealous because I'm afraid you'll be more attracted to her than me.' If the husband responds by being warm and caring, the woman should probably realize her fears were unfounded."