The guy's guide to (almost) perfect relationships

This story was originally titled "The Guy's Guide to Relationships," from the February 2008 issue. Subscribe to Canadian Living today and never miss an issue!

Who is this clown? Why is he talking to me?
You need help with your relationship? Allow me to help. My qualifications? Well, frankly, I have none. No MAs or PhDs; no time spent in the psychoanalytical trenches, dodging emotional flak. All I offer is a reservoir of experience. I'm a veteran of a 22-year relationship, a man who has managed to navigate the choppy waters of separation (a two-year "hiatus" early in the game), parenthood (four years and counting) and, perhaps most critically, several successive seasons of lousy network television, during which time my girlfriend and I were forced into conversation much more frequently than usual.

Far be it from me to hold my own relationship up as some sort of ideal. That kind of cocksure arrogance can come back to haunt you like a bad breakfast sausage, and before you know it, I'll be writing The Guy’s Guide to Spousal Support and Custody Agreements. But here's what I do know: the older I get, the less I'm convinced that any relationship is fully and completely functional. And this is even more true today. Men, this ain't your father's relationship. This is a new time, an era when uncharted challenges erupt as regularly as the face of a 15-year-old fry cook. Onward!

Creation mythology
In much the same way that countries or great religions invest in defining myths, so, too, can the average couple use their imaginative skills to construct a fable that, when the going gets tough, can be used to remind them of why they wound up together in the first place. Here's ours. At the end of our first date, we went back to her place. As we were getting romantic, one of us blurted, "I think this could be the start of something good." Bam! It could have been a deal-killer – a fairly serious dedication, so early on? – but it was our turn-the-corner moment. In that passing instant both of us could see ourselves as a couple forever, or at least until a romantic dinner consisted of two glasses of Metamucil and a bowl of stewed prunes.

So there you have it. Our creation myth. It's not particularly exciting, but it serves a purpose. Would have been cooler if there were gunfire and a car chase. Oh, well. Pass the prunes.

Page 1 of 4