An excellent way to ensure that you're headed for years of quiet solitude surrounded by many cats is to dredge up the past to punish your partner in the present. Often, even context goes out the proverbial window.
Setting: a nice, suburban home. Man comes in from outside, throws his coat on the floor. He wobbles toward the bedroom. Upon entering, his wife clicks on the light.
HER: It's 3 o'clock in the morning!
HIM: Don't be ridiculous. It's…2:56.
HER: I can't stand it when you stay out all night!
HIM: Hey, remember that time you got tipsy at my office party and told my boss I thought he was a controlling jerk? That was pretty funny.
Deal with the residue once and for all, then put it away. It's over. We're all human. Move on. Next.
I won! I won!
For years I found the fastest way to escalate an argument was to give in to my own competitive desire to come out on top. I am a stubborn person by nature, one who, in a disagreement, is capable of stooping to low-blow tactics in order to "win." It took me many, many years to realize this simple fact: in most arguments, no one wins. (Add to this my blind stupidity in trying to prevail when my girlfriend was in the throes of PMS, and you can pretty much figure out what kind of moron I'm capable of being.)
This is not to say you shouldn't argue. Arguments help move your domestic agenda along by raising issues that are on their way to festering. (From sexual dysfunction to parenting issues, guys often tend to bury what bugs them.) But by framing disagreements in ways that aren't "zero sum," you can reap progress rather than pain. Apologize if you're wrong, stand your ground if you truly believe you're right. But remember: pride goeth before the fall, and the fall goeth hand-in-hand with lawyer bills and restricted child visitation rights.
General maintenance
You've mastered the art of conflict resolution. Now, you'll need to devote some time to tackling a few general maintenance strategies to make sure your daily life hums along. An analogy: a relationship is like a car. You have to put fuel in it and tune it up occasionally. Of course, no car lasts forever. And it's true many people like to have more than one car. Some are car collectors, and have many, many cars. Forget the car analogy.
As honest as possible, under the circumstances
Most times, you can and should be entirely honest. A coupling built on half-truths and deceptions does nobody any favours in the long run, and if your relationship can't handle a regular dose of candour, then perhaps it's time to reassess. But whatever its theoretical merits, unvarnished honesty can be a rather blunt instrument – especially when used in the heat of battle. (Been there.) But even the small stuff can benefit from the judicious use of the truth.
Here's a cliché: Your partner comes home with a new outfit. She models it for you and asks how it looks. Now, maybe you're not André Leon Talley of Vogue magazine, but you know when she looks like a funhouse mirror version of herself – the small, squat funhouse mirror, not the tall, thin one. What to do? You can:
(a) Tell her she looks amazing.
(b) Tell her just exactly how fat it makes her butt look.
(c) Tell her you’re not crazy about it.
Go with (c). First, because it's true, but more importantly because it's truthful and not hurtful. In other words, you're being diplomatic. So as a general rule, talk honestly but soften the hardest edges; let compassion reign. (And trust me: if she really likes the outfit, she'll convince herself you have no idea what's fashionable, anyway.)
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