After becoming a parent, a strange paradox occurs. On the one hand, you spend a lot more time with your partner; on the other, you spend a lot less time with her doing the stuff you want. Because sitters are scarce and expensive, often one parent will stay in and look after the child while the other will go out on the town. After a while, you realize that although both of you are managing to have a social life (you alternate nights), you're having a social life that doesn't include each other. Although this is fine if you're Andy Capp, it's pretty much poison for a relationship.
The solution: budget for one night out a week with your partner. Go for dinner, or a show, or a jog – whatever you used to do together before your life changed. (That said, try to maintain one night a week to getting away from each other, too. You are two people, not conjoined twins.)
But even without children, some couples, by choice or habit, end up leading lives that fail to intersect in important ways. Some indications include completely separate financial plans, separate vacations, separate TVs and having fantastic, mind-blowing sex – separately, with someone other than your spouse.
A relationship must include a set of aspirations toward which both partners can strive. Goals must be shared and futures must be planned for. Really, it's much like any decent business partnership. Think Conrad Black and David Radler. On second thought...
Keeping it fresh
A friend of mine is a "surprise guy." He likes giving surprise gifts and planning surprise parties. He buys flowers for his wife because he wants to. Most women I know love him; most men I know have a different take. Although he's my friend, on occasion, I hate him, too, since by comparison he makes me look like an unfeeling cad. But I'd be a stupid unfeeling cad if I didn't realize that the payout from his actions is that his three-decade-long relationship is still fresh – or at least as fresh as any can be after so much time on the shelf.
One of the things that has kept my relationship fresh is that we still refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. We didn't have anything against marriage; we just never got around to it, and by the time we had moved in together and then had a kid, tying the knot would have seemed, oh, just a little after-the-fact. And so, even though we're two decades into our life together, we still call each other "boyfriend" and "girlfriend." They're just words, of course, but words have power. For more than 20 years, we have effectively been dating. And we'll likely continue to do so – until one of us keels over, right into their bowl of stewed prunes.
What else can I say? Be kind to each other. Hold hands on occasion. Light a candle once in a while. Learn the art of massage. And never forget three little words that can ensure the health of a relationship over and above all else: get…a…dishwasher.
Read more: 10 ideas for 90-minute dates.
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