The science of falling in love

This story was originally titled "The Science of Falling in Love," in the February 2008 issue. Subscribe to Canadian Living today and never miss an issue!

"He's a steely-eyed sniper perched on the roof of a skyscraper high above a nameless city, the half-eaten doughnut and pack of smokes at his side an indication of his patience when it comes to choosing a target. He slowly scans the ground below with binoculars, his weapon of choice resting across his lap. When he aims, he won't miss."

Not a random occurrance
Ian Falconer's delightful rendering of Cupid-as-a-madman for a February 1999 cover of The New Yorker magazine tells you everything you need to know about the giddy business of falling in love: It's going to hit, it's going to hurt, and the odds of a full recovery are anyone’s guess.

Love arrives like a bolt out of the blue – or so it seems. But over the last decade, there has been mounting evidence to suggest that romantic love is not a random occurrence; rather, the seeds of passion and commitment are sewn into our DNA, nurtured by environment and upbringing and brought to flower by brain chemistry. Science is replacing the romance of romance with compelling theories that explain not only how and why we fall in love, but also with whom, and for how long.

Once upon a time
"At his touch, she experienced the strangest sense of weakness. He had the kind of energy that would carry a person with it whether she wanted to go or not."
– Speed Dating (Harlequin, 2007) by Nancy Warren

In romance novels it's called "the meet" – the moment when the male and female protagonists first lay eyes (or hands) on each other and feel the undeniable spark of sexual chemistry. But its baser name is lust, and according to Helen Fisher, an anthropologist and author of Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love (Henry Holt, 2004), it is one of "three primordial brain networks [lust, romantic love and male-female attachment] that evolved to direct mating and reproduction."

Lust – the craving for sexual gratification – motivated our ancestors to seek sexual union with almost any partner. Romantic love – the elation and obsession of being in love – enabled them to focus courtship attentions on one individual at a time. And male-female attachment – the feeling of calm, peace and security one often has with a long-term mate – motivated our ancestors to love this partner long enough to rear their young together.

The trouble with these brain networks is that they work independently, meaning that lust can muscle its way into even the most happily married mind. And base desire clearly spans the decades. Here is a description by a 58-year-old married Vancouver woman who was recently reacquainted with her first love at their high school reunion: "It was as if 40 years had never happened. When we danced our first dance, the electrical charge could have set fire to the floor between us – not that there was any room between us. We actually jumped back from each other for a moment as the spark cleared the air."

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