As human couples become more entwined and interdependent, hormones can affect their union in other ways. Most notable is the drop in the testosterone levels of deeply committed men and expectant fathers: even holding a baby can cause a man's testosterone levels to decrease. And though waning desire may be inevitable in a long-term romantic union, researchers are unanimous that it can be rekindled by playing what Fisher calls "a few tricks on the brain," including reigniting romantic longing by gazing into each other's eyes during face-to-face conversation, and stimulating the production of dopamine – the chemical associated with romantic love – by taking a vacation or engaging in exciting and novel activities together.
"Passion needs to be stoked," says Pfaus, the father of a four-year-old, who appreciates how hard it can be to play lover at the end of a long day of work and parenting. But here's the incentive: People in loving relationships tend to live longer, perhaps because la vie d'amour has strengthened their immune system, by mitigating the negative health impacts of the stress hormone, cortisol. "If struggle is the essence of life," says Pfaus, "then so is pleasure."
In addition, people who enjoy regular sex enjoy better cardiovascular health and age better. Pfaus points to studies that show people who make love three times a week or more appear to others to be about a decade younger than they really are. But Pfaus says the last word must go to Warren, who, as a writer of romance, knows more about human psychology than anyone.
"There's all kinds of research to prove that women who read romance have more sex," says Warren. "Every time you read a romance novel, it's like falling in love again. And by the end of every story, you're reminded again that true love does happen and it's worth working for."
Helen Fisher, an anthropologist and author of Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love (Henry Holt, 2004), gives a list of suggestions for stoking love: commit; listen "actively" to your partner; ask questions; give answers; appreciate; stay attractive; keep growing intellectually; include him or her; give him or her privacy; be honest and trustworthy; tell your mate what you need; accept his or her shortcomings; mind your manners; exercise your sense of humour; respect him or her; compromise; argue constructively; never threaten to depart; forget the past; say no to adultery; don't assume the relationship will last forever – build it one day at a time; and never give up.
Read more: 10 tips to ignite the sexual fires.
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