6 answers to your intimacy issues

"My partner isn't interested in sex anymore." "I always have to make the first move, but it didn't used to be that way." "Why are our sex drives so different?" "How can we get a little excitement and romance back into our relationship?"

These are the sighs that come up again and again in marriages and relationships, sometimes from him, sometimes from her. The following answers to this extremely touchy subject are inspired by the ideas of psychologist Phil McGraw.

Sex is the tip of the iceberg.
On the surface, it's all just about your sex life: he or she isn't getting enough or is getting the wrong kind. In most cases, though, this is a cover for the desire for more intimacy, respect, recognition, tenderness, or sensitivity.

For it to work, two people have to change: you and the other person. Some advice for simplification is to start with yourself. How are you contributing to the problem? Only when you can be honest about this may you go to your partner and something of him or her.

Sex is a pattern.
At the beginning of your relationship, there were certain rituals, places, and times when it took place. Now there are a thousand other habits added to your lives from your work, the children, living together, your parents, and so on. It's hard to make room in between all of these things for the happy patterns of the old days. The biggest break comes after the birth of a child: lovers turn into mothers and fathers. They identify with their own parents, who in their eyes didn't have sex. Some simplifying advice is don't think of being a parent as a new nature, but as a new role, in addition to which you can also play the role of sexual partner and lover.

Visual excitements.
It happens to everyone: you don't look as sexy as you did then. The same goes for you partner. But start again with yourself. Here is a tip for simplification: your self-image is more important than losing weight, a new haircut, or seductive clothing. Say to yourself, "I am not only Mom (or Dad). I'm still a sexy thing." Then act that way. There's always a bit of nostalgia in this: what did your partner always used to like? Nine times out of ten it still works today.

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Excerpted from How to Simplify Your Love, copyright 2008 by Marion Küstenmacher and Werner Tiki Küstenmacher. Used by permission of McGraw-Hill Companies. All Rights Reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced except with permission in writing from the publisher.