The tricky process of joining two divorcées

Check ingredients before blending

Blended family is the term used when previously separated parents remarry and combine families. If you are looking at "blending" consider these points to facilitate the children's adjustment:

1. Have a suitable courtship period.

The purpose of courtship is to ensure compatibility prior to marriage. When children are involved, the issue of compatibility extends to the potential stepparent/stepchild relationship and between potential stepsiblings. Families each have their own culture, and their own rituals. During the courtship process, the adults and children use the time to learn and experience their family differences with the prospect of determining compatibility, adaptation and change. This can only occur over time and a year or two would be a reasonable minimal period for such courtship. Guessing how the kids will respond, adapt or change to anniversaries, birthdays, religious holidays, etc., places them and the blended family at risk. Experiencing and planning for these events during courtship will give some clue as to what to expect after blending, and give time to plan.

2. Consider how the kids should address new partners.

During courtship you didn't expect your kids to call their potential stepparent as mom or dad, but with marriage, many parents do expect this change. For some children this represents an enormous emotional adjustment. Some kids just don't view the stepparent in the same capacity as a biological parent, and they may fear upsetting their other parent when calling the new stepparent mom or dad. As such, what the children call stepparents must be a matter of discussion -- not only between parent and stepparent, but also with natural parents and then with the kids. The degree to which this can be sorted out in advance of marriage, the greater the likelihood of a smooth transition. Names do matter and showing respect can go a long way to facilitating adjustment.