Train your wife to be perfect, just like you!

The first thing to remember when undertaking the gargantuan task of resocializing your beloved bride is this: sometimes love can conquer all. Take it from me, though, most of the time this kind of romanticized thinking will lead you into trouble, the type that will leave you floundering for answers and combing the phone book for a qualified mental health care practitioner. So, with that in mind -- a relatively stable mind still, even after nine years of marriage -- I present the fellas with a few practical tips for training your wife.

• If you're flexible and willing to negotiate terms, good things happen
• When faced by overwhelming odds, it's OK to surrender, but only conditionally
• Arguing is fine; fighting is not
• Be unpredictable
• If she ain't happy, you ain't happy
• Show her respect – she's your wife

Be flexible
You're tired and overworked and you both have your needs as well as a typical assortment of deeply twisted personality quirks. Just remember that no matter what the latest, greatest expert on Oprah says, your needs are just as significant as anyone else's. That doesn't mean you can't miss one game in your favourite baseball team's 984-game schedule to spend an afternoon picnicking in the park. Your wife is likely to be a lot more reasonable when you ask her to put her half-hour diatribe about the deteriorating condition of Main Street on hold while you watch the ninth inning, if you can show her that ultimately, nothing is more important than being there for her.

Conditional surrender
You won't win all of your marital throw-downs. In fact, that shouldn't even be your goal. A good-natured argument, with liberal amounts of humour thrown in, can actually enhance your relationship and solve some simple problems. My own dear bride has an aversion to doing dishes that borders on the supernatural -- and I'm rarely in a hurry to scrub up after enjoying a tasty meal. So one day I laughingly told her that a glob of ketchup had attached itself to one of our plates on a molecular level and that I might have to commission a demolitions expert to help us remove it. After a few lovingly exchanged barbs, I agreed to handle most of the dishwashing chores the following day, on the condition that in the evening, she soak any plates and glasses that were likely to crust over. Domestic crisis averted.

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