When love hurts: The story of an abused woman

Not alone
The police held Rob for a few days, and I moved into a counselling facility. The staff wanted me to join group counselling, but I couldn't speak in front of other people. I felt like such a fool for having been beaten up by my husband. I thought the others in the group would judge me as a failure as a mother and wife.

But then I met women just like me -- lots of women. It shocked me how many of us are out there, abused by our loved ones.

It took about a year, but eventually I looked at Rob with fresh eyes and started to connect the dots. I was finished counselling but still doing a lot of emotional healing, reading books, writing poetry and meditating. I came to realize that all the other men in my life treated me horribly -- screaming, yelling and controlling me. I saw that it began with my acceptance of this behaviour when I was a child. My stepfather sexually assaulted me from the age of seven until I ran away from home when I was 15. When you're a kid and you're abused, you think you deserve it. Unconsciously, I came to accept violence as part of intimate relationships. Affection and abuse went hand-in-hand for me.

Breaking the cycle
It took a long time for me to realize that I am a good person. I'm loyal, giving and loving. I deserved to no longer have violence in my life. But then I started to panic. Had I passed the cycle of violence onto my kids? They had witnessed me being abused, so would my boys become violent predators? Would my girls accept abusive partners like I had? Over the years I've told them that violence is unacceptable in any form. But more importantly I have showed them this is true by becoming a healthy person, dating men after I left Rob who were not abusive and learning to love myself every day.

The case against Rob took two years to wind its way through the courts. It was emotionally exhausting, particularly having to listen to Rob on the stand talking about the rapes. He said that I liked kinky, rough sex. The only way the crown could prove the contrary was by calling my ex-husband and Rob's ex-wife to the stand. My ex testified I was never into violent sex, and Rob's ex-wife testified that everything he had done to me, he had attempted on her.

At one point in the trial the Crown asked if I wanted to quit. If I agreed to let the Crown make a deal, Rob would be convicted of assault but not rape. The Crown said it was my call. It took 20 minutes for me to say no.

I remembered one of Rob's friends saying to me during the trial that I brought the abuse on myself. This made me mad. "Rob is in trouble because of what he did," I told him. "He chose to hit me on his own. Rob was charged because he chose to beat me up."

Rob was eventually convicted of everything, including rape. Part of me felt guilty, but I also felt satisfied. Justice had been served.

Moving forward
During the trial there was a restraining order against Rob coming anywhere near me. Now I'm on my own. Thirteen years later and far away from the town where we lived together, I am still terrified of this man, even though I haven't seen him in years. Every so often I hesitate when I go to the mall alone or walk to my car. "Is he out there waiting for me?"

I may be risking my safety by coming forward with my story, but I feel it's important. There are so many women going through what I went through. They need to know they're not alone and don't deserve to be abused. There are other women, like me, standing with them, ready to open their arms and provide safety and refuge.

*Name has been changed.

Read more: How to spot a psychopath.

Page 3 of 3