When parents are locked in heated conflict

What's a kid to do when parents hate each other?

Sometimes the animosity between separated parents is so thick, you can cut it with a knife. In such cases both parents deflect blame on the other while denying or minimizing their own contribution to conflict.

In some instances the allegations of both parents are unfounded. The parents are like oil and fire: they simply do not get along. The parents may both be hurt for the demise of the relationship. They may feel embarrassed for the breakdown and need to vilify the other. Each stakes out the position of being hard done by the other, thus gaining the sympathy of friends and family.

In other instances mutual allegations are founded. Both parties have in fact acted untoward. Both have acted poorly -- although not abusively -- yet neither takes responsibility, and both use the transgressions of the other to legitimize their own cause.

Pity the children whose parents are so locked in mutual despise. The child becomes the battleground. Each parent begrudges the child's relationship to the other. Even though a parent may hold their tongue, the attitude still exudes. The child lives with their distain.

The child is between a rock and a hard place. To survive they learn to mask their feelings. To avoid the disapproval of their parents they align with each parent through negative comments about the other. So when with mom the child tells bad stories of dad to gain mother's approval and minimize tensions with her. Then with dad the child tells bad stories of mom to gain his approval and minimize tensions with him. Sadly though, the strategy only feeds the conflict between the parents as they feel more justified in their position with the new ammunition delivered by the child. Thus the parental conflict escalates and the child is subject to greater hostility.