Money talk can be a constant source of conflict for couples. One study found that one-third of couples cited money as their marital hot button. Another showed that more than three-quarters of couples who divorce before age 30 report financial problems as the primary cause of their marriage breakdown. Money inflames our passions, all right -- just not the right ones.
Talking about money is certainly taboo in many relationships, says Gerry Smith, a psychologist with WarrenShepell, an employee and family assistance program provider. "In 20 years of experience, I always found it easier to get people talking about their sex lives than their finances," says Smith. Most people bundle their money and their self-worth in the same package, he adds. Put a little stress on that package -- uncertainty in the workplace, an unplanned pregnancy or an overextended credit card -- and suddenly you have an explosive device. The resulting screaming match isn't about money at all. "Money is the great scapegoat that gets blamed for all sorts of other issues," he says.
Issues beyond money
It has taken Libby Cates* a while to figure that out. But she's starting to understand that when she freaks out at Simon*, her husband of more than two years, over some perceived money crisis, the root of her anxiety is probably not in the bank account.
Both in their mid-30s, the Vancouver couple has been together for eight years. Simon recently completed a college program in television production; Libby is currently on maternity leave from her university job. As the primary wage earner, Libby says their "discussions" about money escalated when she was pregnant and Simon was looking for work. "I started flipping out once a month," she says. "I tend to get emotional when I'm hormonal and, let's face it, I was hormonal for nine months."
Until her maternity leave, Libby had always been financially independent, earning her own money and buying what she wanted, when she wanted it -- without any apologies. She was also able to support Simon while he finished his training, something she admits she sometimes begrudged. Simon, on the other hand, had developed a frugal lifestyle that meshed with his "lifetime of underemployment." With a baby coming, Libby began pressuring Simon to get a job when he finished his training, and when he did, a better job. She worked herself to a fever pitch, convinced that as one-income renters, they faced imminent financial collapse.
Finally, they sat down and, for the first time in years, put together a formal budget. "I really needed to know that we could cover our basic bills." (Preparing a budget together is the first marriage-saving step championed by counsellors; see Plan to Talk, page 3)
"That took the edge off the tension," says Simon. "We asked ourselves what we needed and what we could live without. We got rid of the cellphone. We agreed to find cheaper ways to buy food."
Once she saw on paper that her security wasn't really threatened, Libby reflected on her deeper anxieties, which centered on her perceived loss of independence. "Basically, I think my whole pregnancy was about coming to terms with giving up control of so many aspects of my life," she says. "I was really afraid of being dependent. It's pretty hard to just let go when you've always felt like you had the power."
Although having enough income to provide basic necessities is a major indicator of family strength, the size of a couple's income isn't usually a significant indicator of marital satisfaction, report former researchers Rosanne Farnden Lyster and Jane Olsen of the British Columbia Council for Families in Vancouver. In other words, it's not what you've got that matters but rather what you want to do with it. And depending on the values you and your partner ascribe to money, what you want to do with it will differ -- sometimes dramatically.
In her book, Couples and Money (Gabriel, 1997), Victoria F. Collins, a financial planner and psychologist, says that our individual quirks, biases and beliefs around money cluster into primary themes -- central motivations that govern how we use our finances. The four primary "money motivators" are freedom, security, power and love. "While at different times in life you're influenced by all of these forces, usually one will prevail," says Collins. "It becomes your unconscious raison d'être, the unspoken reason you fight rush-hour traffic every morning."
