The starry-eyed bride and puffed-up-with-pride groom believe their marriage was made in heaven and trust it will work. Some time later, that same couple may sit in front of a marriage counsellor and say, "Our marriage just isn't working" or "I'm not in love any more".
Marriage styles
Marriages don't just automatically work, but couples can work to create the style of marriage they desire. Agreeing on a marriage style, from traditional male-dominated to female-dominated or partnership style, can be an important first step. It is also important that both members of the couple are working on the same goal.
Genuine marriages are based on agreements the couple make with each other. Not only do they make deals, they work to hold up their part of the responsibilities they assume. For example, if one agrees to do the laundry and the other to handle the garbage, they accept the job and do it without having to be asked, nagged or reminded. In a well-functioning marriage, each partner takes his or her roles and responsibilities seriously.
They do not:
• see their partner as a parent.
• treat their partner disrespectfully.
• shrink from the practical jobs of running their home.
• blame their partner for their unhappiness.
• run home to Mom or others and complain about their spouse.
They do:
• act like a responsible adults.
• speak politely without swearing and name-calling.
• accept that it was their choice in partner.
• make time and have energy for sexual activities.
• laugh and play together.
Romance and responsibility
So often when responsibility walks in the door, romance flies out the window. Romance and responsibility are opposites, but every marriage needs both.
Couples can rekindle that in love feeling
One way to work at a marriage is to keep time, money and energy for adult couple time. Another is to discuss problems with your spouse and not with someone who has no power or ability to solve the problem. Too often people turn to a family member, a friend or start a new relationship instead of clearly identifying the problem and working it through with their partner. Problems can be solved, but it takes two willing partners who are committed to being married to each other. Sometimes it takes professional help. (Click on "Marriage mini-checkup" below for more information.)
