My husband and I are barely speaking these days. When we do, it's limited to house maintenance stuff and he's even helping less and less with that. Things are pretty dead in the bedroom too, which is probably a good thing since we're having some renovations done and we don't have any drapes or even a door on that room at the moment. I don't know what I would do if it weren't for the help of my younger brother who is staying with us while he's looking for work. He and I have always been close and it's been nice to at least have his support when I'm having a bad day or am needing help with my three year old son. Why is my husband being so selfish and how can I get him to get more involved? Time for a change!
Let me see, you have a three year old child, a full-time house guest and have home renovations underway. Did I miss anything? That's a lot of pressure on your little family. Good for you for recognizing change is needed. Don't try to figure it out all by yourself. You and your husband both have important perspectives on how to remedy this situation.
First, have your brother baby-sit, if you're convinced he is reliable, and invite your husband out for a meal or a cup of coffee. He may tell you to go with your brother instead, which only indicates how justifiably hurt he has felt to be displaced as the most important adult male in your life. Tell him you miss him and that you want to find ways to re-connect and to feel close again.
Reclaim your private space as a couple. Get a door put back on your bedroom immediately and cover those windows! The privacy, and exclusivity of your relationship have been jeopardized. Together, take steps to model something important to your brother about healthy couple and family boundaries. Take him out of the triangle between you and your husband as it can only cause tension and resentment between them and potentially damage their long-term relationship. Intentionally booking time alone with your husband and including your son sometimes too need to be priorities.
Encourage your brother to find work and a circle of friends who will support the independent life he is meant to be living. Give him a deadline if you need to. Finally, give yourself permission to give your child the benefit of an appropriate outside caregiver on a regular basis while you and your husband do your own "relationship renovation" work.
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