My husband and I used to have one of the best marriages around. Now we seem to always end up in a heated debate that goes in circles and ends up nowhere, leaving us both frustrated. Last week he came home with the latest story about what he's doing with his team at work and expected me to spend time listening to him and telling him how great he is. I had had a full day of my own but since I don't like my job very much it's not something that I want to talk about. When I hear his stories I remember how bad my own situation is and I become very sad and quiet. When I get silent he challenges me and wants to know what the matter is and calls me a grouch, or worse. I think he is being pretty insensitive and tell him so. The conflict mounts and the evening is ruined, as usual. We go to bed without speaking and wake up and head off to work day after day with very little interaction. We avoid each other on the weekend. This is no life! What do we need to do to change things back to how they were? Signed: Stuck and spinning
Dear stuck I hear your disappointment. The good news is that you and your husband likely aren’t dysfunctional people but you do sound caught up in a dysfunctional cycle. I call it a dance of engagement and your habit of relating is causing you to step all over each other’s toes before you twirl off into your opposite, lonely corners. A perception adjustment may be in order. What if you chose to see that maybe he is not meaning to make you feel bad about your job but trying to entertain you and lift your spirits with the gift of an entertaining story. What if you were to understand and accept that, sharing your own struggles while requesting a massage or a listening ear to process options regarding your career together. Rather than spinning off in opposite directions you might make a conscious choice to remain connected. What might happen when you become silent is that, since he doesn't have enough information about what's happening for you, he might presume that you are being critical of him or rejecting him. In his counter-movement he might attack and label you, trying to defend himself, while trying to keep you engaged. If you respond with anger and frustration, he might feel that at least you are still communicating, albeit in a way that can bring you both down and leave you feeling angry and wounded. The basic cycle that you describe, which incidentally is shared by many couples is: withdraw (you)/attack (him) followed by attack/attack (both of you) before withdraw/withdraw (both of you). The cycle can start at any stage by either of you but ends up in the same sad place until you choose to do something different. Try a new cycle or dance, replacing the old one with: explain (you)/attend (him) followed by attend/attend by both of you. This takes practice and the presumption that your partner really is trustworthy and wanting the best for both of you. Ultimately by changing your interactional patterns, you are free to be open and honest with each other during some really challenging issues while remaining both connected and engaged. For more information on therapists who practice emotion-focussed relationship therapy across North America and other parts of the world contact: The Ottawa Couple and Family Institute at www.ocfi.ca.
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