My son and daughter-in-law have been married for 4-1/2 yrs and have a 4 yr son. They have had difficulties for the past year & my son wants to leave the marriage. I've recommended counselling and they have begun. I've advised that my son stay at least until the holidays are over and they have had some counselling. They really cannot afford to live apart. We are 2 hours away - his work about an hour from us. They both seek my advice - I attempt to help both...I do understand how difficult it is however there is a child and the expense of living apart to consider. Am I wrong to counsel them to stay together even though I believe my son no longer loves his wife? She wants to make the marriage work. He's staying only because of the child and the holidays. My husband and I will be moving to their area in about 6 months to a year. If he waits until then, the living arrangements will be easier. At the very least, they will have had a few months of counselling to help deal with the issues and the feelings. I do not want to make the situation worse - they are both quite young (26/27).
Dear Concerned Grandma!
When we watch our loved ones making decisions that have painful consequences for themselves and others, our most natural instinct is to reach out to try to minimize the damage. Your family sounds very blessed to have your caring spirit in their midst. Finding the right amount of support to give, without getting caught in the middle, is a fine art. Your advice to your son and his wife to seek the counsel of an objective third party was proactive since they will need help making good decisions for their future and for their son’s ongoing well being. Children shouldn’t have to pay for the poor decisions of the adults in their life! Remove yourself from the role of counsellor. Rather, be a loving, safe person to be around. That will take pressure off of everyone. Try not to take either (or both) person’s side at any time or to give any advice that could influence decisions that your son and his wife need to reflectively and responsibly make for themselves and their child.
When you live closer to them in the New Year, it will take even greater care on your part to be respecting their boundaries and to not be too involved or too enabling. It might be tempting to rescue your son and provide a soft landing for him in your home should he leave his own. This could detract from the work he needs to do on his own relationship and could stifle his ability to be a healthy adult and an important model for his son. You and your husband may wish to consult with a family counsellor to help you negotiate your roles as parents at this important time. For now, determine that you and your husband will have a happy holiday time, according to your particular faith tradition and despite the sadness in the air, and focus on the celebration of this special season! Marion
For a qualified Marriage and Family Therapists in your area contact:
Registry of Marriage and Family Therapists in Canada: www.marriageandfamily.ca
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