Answers from Expert: Marion Goertz, DMin, RMFT

If you have a question for any of our experts, please visit our Just Ask page. Dear Mom in the Middle I hear your concern for your little family and also your strong sense of responsibility to achieve peace in your home. This is one time when having two males squabbling over you isn't a positive thing is it? The strain that you're experiencing is quite predictable in situations when a new suitor comes on the scene and the young master of the house feels their turf is being threatened (child and suitor could be either male or female -- the results are often the same). It's called, "triangulation" because it's a three-way, unhealthy dynamic which results in no one being happy. First, if you are convinced that your son is safe with your boyfriend, step out of the middle for different time intervals and let them work things out between themselves. Remind your boyfriend, the adult, that your son has a father and he will never replace him. The best he can hope for is to be a friendly influence for good in his life, to take that slowly and to be glad for what he gets, when your son is ready. Good parenting is an acquired skill and it's important for you and for your son for you to brush up on your skills in this area. Your local library or community centre may have "Mom and Me" times for the two of you as well as parenting groups and good videos and books to teach you what you need to be dependable, consistent and fair. Without that he will be insecure, anxious and likely exhibit his discomfort through any manner of inappropriate, but also quite understandable, behaviours. In doing so he will be showing that he is a sad and confused child, not a bad child. Please don't let him down. He is counting on you. Until he is off to school he will understandably feel an extremely close connection with you. Cherish this time with him. It isn't fair to anyone to expect your boyfriend to parent by default especially when he is so new in both of your lives. Finally, you are laying the groundwork for a relationship with your son that will hopefully last a lifetime. Boyfriends on the other hand sometimes come and go. Figure out for yourself what you want from this relationship with your boyfriend and where it's headed. If you want your son to be able to relax and become attached to this man, make sure you know and respect him well enough to want him to stay. Otherwise, I'm with your son, let's keep those defences up until we know who exactly this new guy is, if we can trust him and if he's going to be around for awhile! Trust your head and your heart on this one, Marion.