Answers from Expert: Marion Goertz, DMin, RMFT

Dear Lonely Lady… Major heart surgery has a way of bringing out all kinds of fears and self-protective behaviors in us. It can be overwhelming to be faced with our own mortality, to know that we are needing to begin to accommodate our bodies rather than having them accommodate us! Your husband may not just be shutting you out, he may be trying to shut out all the painful thoughts and feelings that have arisen from what he has experienced. No doubt you both are feeling vulnerable and perhaps even scared. It is quite possible that he is experiencing a certain degree of depression, not only as a reaction to the surgery but also from what might be a discouraged view of his present stage of life. This is entirely normal and quite treatable. Reassure your husband in this regard and encourage him to discuss what he is experiencing with his doctor -- make the call yourself if he is unwilling or unable to. The low energy and early bed times might have a physical cause, you are right to be concerned about them. The doctor may prescribe meeting with a trained practitioner who will address the predictable emotional strains that accompany physical illness and ageing: anger, sadness, grief, loss, loneliness and fear, to name a few. Our minds and our emotions can play major roles in our physical healing. Ideally couple counselling will also happen at some point so that both of you can process what has happened and plan for enriching times in the future. In the mean time, speak with someone yourself. Examine your own feelings around the illness and the affair and your heart's longing for more intimate connecting. Taking care of yourself in this way will help restore your sense of competence, personal worth and emotional health. Make these some of your best years yet…whether your husband chooses to join you or not. My hope for both of you is that he will. Marion