Dear Silenced and Subdued... You don't say if there are children in your home but regardless if there are or not, emotional and physical safety is something to take very seriously. Exposure to intimidation and a "wicked temper" aren't healthy for anyone and domestic conflict, if left unaddressed, can escalate with deadly results. If your husband continues to choose to act out his anger, then you must choose to act out your own safety. Is there any openness to the two of you being able to work with an impartial, experienced third party to learn more mutual, healthy ways of resolving conflict? I encourage you to seek counsel that will help you understand your rights, responsibilities and reactions, whether your husband will go with you or not. Be advised though that effective marital counselling cannot happen where out-of-control anger or even abuse exist in a relationship. Without having more information it is difficult to assess your present risk, however I would encourage you to ensure that you have a safety plan in place should this situation deteriorate further. Know who to call and what to do in order to take care of yourself. My hope and prayer for your little family is that you will both choose health and each make right choices around dealing with this relationship-threatening behaviour. Only then can the two of you possibly live the kind of vital, enriching life together that the covenant of marriage was meant to be all about. -- Marion A few words about domestic violence To our readers: In response to enquiries that we get, I feel that it is important to address the issue of domestic violence. Sometimes a woman's life can be devastated by an ongoing cycle of physical and mental abuse that can escalate into injury and even death. If this is your experience, do not stay in a situation that is unsafe. Immediately seek the support of family, friends, neighbours, the police and women's shelter and support programs in your area. Have a safety plan in place with an escape route in mind. You may wish to have a suitcase packed with clothing, some money and copies of health, banking and identification information stored at the home of a neighbour or friend, along with another set of car and house keys. Equip yourself with knowledge and get the help that you need. If it should come down to a decision to leave the relationship, be aware that even after you leave, or a judge has issued a restraining order against your spouse, that domestic abuse can and often will continue and even escalate. Don't let your embarrassment about what you're going through, your hope for a change in behaviour or your desire to protect your spouse keep you from making life-sustaining choices. Speak up and out, ask for help and protection. It is your right and your responsibility to do so. You did not cause your partner's struggle with anger and you cannot fix it. Make your own choices around life and health and happiness and leave your partner free to make theirs. Ill treatment by a spouse, someone who is supposed to love and protect us, can wound our spirit and cloud our mind, causing us to blame ourselves and feel shame that isn't ours. All human beings deserve to be treated with respect and consideration. Human life is precious. If you have never been impacted by the horror of being in an abusive relationship, feel grateful, and feel concerned enough to start or join a lobby group against domestic violence in your community. Let your strong and healthy voice support those of your sisters who are daily being silenced! -- Marion.