Answers from Expert: Marion Goertz, DMin, RMFT

Dear Concerned Technological Age Mom, It is normal for a 14-year-old to be conversing with her peers about all sorts of topics, including sex. E-mail conversations tend to be more candid than those in person; however, the lack of healthy propriety and modesty you hear in your daughter's online conversations naturally calls for more information. Your daughter is still a child and needs your help to make choices that protect her from harm. In as calm a manner as one could possibly hope to muster under the circumstances, I would suggest that you sit down and discuss this situation with her, expressing both your love for her and your concerns about her well-being. Pick a time and place where you won't be interrupted by anyone. Be curious and not critical about what it was she was attempting to do. Likely there are self-esteem issues here and a lack of healthy peer relationships which can help edit and shape impulses. Since you were able to access the information so easily, perhaps she was somehow wanting to get your reaction to her activities. She surely must have had some mixed feelings about them. Your child's angry response to you is predictable and should be the least of your worries. Using a computer at home is a privilege and not a right. Move the machine to a central place where it can be monitored and post house rules around its use. Those rules, which ideally could be negotiated with your whole family, should include such things as length of use, priority given to homework assignments, restricted sites (you may wish to subscribe to certain site-blocking software), restricted types of conversations, and of course penalties for equipment misuse. As a parent you have every right to monitor your child's activities, giving important feedback to help shape age-appropriate behaviours and boundaries. Explain to your child what you need to see to be able to trust her choices and as you see a movement toward maturity, greater freedom and increased privacy will happen for her. Involve other parents and school counsellors, as appropriate, to support you in this important work. Then follow through! Remain calm, loving and firm. Stick to your guns one more time than she does. The bigger message being: I love you and want you to love and respect yourself so that you are able to make good choices and have healthy, happy relationships. Let her know that while times have changed, you can remember that being 14 isn't easy and that you are there for her and have every confidence that she will come through just fine. -- Marion Further reading: Boundaries with Kids by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.