Answers from Expert: Marion Goertz, DMin, RMFT

Dear Waiting; The good news is that there is a solution to this, which, in conjunction with some healing time, will support much-needed calm and control. You may find "the fix" one of the most challenging but helpful things you have ever mastered! Let's first look at the non-negotiables in all of this. The reality is that when a home collapses there is major collateral damage. Adults often mask their sadness and fear with anger. Children may exhibit a variety of attention-seeking behaviours including eating, sleeping and even toilet training issues. Adults seek justice and an end to the pain. Children want comfort and safety. No one is immune and everyone is unsettled. Now here's the part that you can and need to take control of. You can do nothing to change your husband's behaviour, so start with your own. Read that again. Also, he doesn't have the power to make you feel bad. No one, short of brandishing a weapon or making physical threats, can make you feel or do anything that you do not allow. Your anxiety is normal and natural and it is controllable -- not by your husband but by you. Take back your power and disengage from harmful co-dependent behaviours. Script, practice and roleplay until you have a calm, fair response to anything your partner may say or do. Re-channel your thinking and doing and your feeling will follow. This is called self-soothing and allows you to be the person you want to be, regardless of the actions of another. Repeat this again and again as if you were soothing an upset child (and you are -- the shaky little person inside of you). Self-soothing is all about controlling what you do and honouring who you are. Regardless of who was seeking the separation, you are likely both experiencing primal anxiety. Stop your part of the dysfunctional dance. Begin a new cycle of functioning, one that will eventually lead you to hope and a future of shared, proactive parenting. Some things to consider to make the transition a little smoother: • Know your rights, engage competent, proactive legal counsel and be clear and be fair about what is expected and what isn't acceptable. Document abuse of the agreement, including harassing phone calls, letters or visits. Let your lawyer handle it. • Do not tolerate boundary infringements. Your right to a safe environment for you and your children is not negotiable. Enforce this through your lawyer ideally and the police if necessary. • Handing off the children might be handled by a trusted third party, at least during the initial stages of establishing separate homes and calming anxious behaviours. • A notebook allows parents to exchange information regarding critical child care, reducing the trauma of emotional engagement. • Consider seeing a skilled counsellor to regain your emotional health and your future-focussed perspectives. Some couples are now working with registered marriage and family therapists to work out "good endings" for their marriage and "good beginnings" for their shared parenting. • Do your grief work. Regardless of how unhappy your home was, you will all be feeling profound loss. Healing and growth can't happen without honouring that part of you that can love and be wounded deeply. Check out local programs geared to helping children deal with divorce. • Above all, do not put yourself and your children at risk. See the following info regarding domestic abuse. After separation, violence can increase to deadly heights. Here's to healthier and happier tomorrows for all of you. --Marion