How do two people who come from different families -- one where communication was open and there were no secrets and one where things were never discussed, secrets were kept secret and everyone pretended that everything was lovely when everything wasn't -- cope with the completely different styles?
Dear Open and Shut,
You may not be as different as you think. Studies would show that we connect with partners who are at pretty much the same place as we are in terms of an ability to express intimacy. Possibly your partner is attracted to your familial orientation of being more open and less secretive and you to their view of protective privacy. Either way, only frequent, non-judgemental conversations about what you are both comfortable with will help you build a safer environment in which couple intimacy grows along with individual candour. Be curious and not critical about how each of your families have understood personal and family boundaries around sharing information. Somewhere in the middle will be what works best in your home.
This is an important discussion for all couples to be having, regularly. Secrets, with the exception of time-limited, special arrangements to affirm and delight another person, can produce a level of uncertainty and distrust that most relationships cannot survive over time. Glad you raised this issue.
Marion.
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