My husband is obsessed with female breasts. Our sex life is non-existent and he never touches or kisses me anymore. Can my marriage be saved?
Read 10 tips to increase intimacy to help you create a better bond with your partner.
In this case, I consulted with my colleague Claire Mezes, a registered sex therapist in Toronto. Here's what Claire had to say:
Breasts are often considered a source of nurturing and comfort (i.e. breastfeeding and hugging). I am wondering what breasts represent to your husband? Do you think that he may be upset about something? Is he sad, scared or angry and not communicating to you clearly about what is bothering him? Is he looking at breasts to comfort himself? Not expressing feelings directly is a losing strategy.
In this society, women and their breasts can be objectified. This can be a way that some men seek or acquire power. Sometimes, when men have low self-esteem or cannot communicate clearly, they exert power and control in a significant relationship in order to feel better about themselves. Is your husband gaining a sense of control over you by being obsessed with breasts because he knows this is upsetting to you? Exerting power is a losing strategy.
What about you? Are you personally insulted by his looking at breasts? Is he triggering an insecurity in you? Are you expressing yourself in a negative manner to him? Are you retaliating and annihilating him? If yes, these are losing strategies as well.
Try this. Ask him if he is willing to talk and really listen. Tell him you would like to. Describe what you see, tell him what you make of what you see, tell him your feelings, ask him clearly for what you need. Then ask him to mirror back to you what you have said. Ask him talk with you in the same way. Then mirror back to him what he has said to you. Shift from complaint to request, respond with generosity and humility and be open to receiving and healing.
If these winning strategies are difficult for you then you may need the help of a couples' therapist. You need to share your feelings with one another and communicate more effectively. Perhaps then, you will touch and kiss again. If there is a mutual commitment to listen, respect and respond to what is in the mind and heart of your partner, there is a good chance that your marriage will not only survive but thrive! Check out www.passionworkshop.com for a day of learning about healthy and loving relationships.
Claire Mezes is a Registered Sex Therapist in Toronto and co-creator of The Passion Workshop.
Claire Mezes is a Registered Sex Therapist in Toronto and co-creator of The Passion Workshop.
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