Answers from Expert: Marion Goertz, DMin, RMFT

Friendships work well when they are mutually supportive and bring out the best in us. It is to be expected that they will ebb and flow in terms of intensity over the years and that we will take turns providing strength to help each other through difficult times. Is it possible that you, with the best of intentions and a caring heart, have allowed this friendship to become unbalanced and that for a number of years it has taken more energy than it has generated? Your friend needs more help than you can or should give. You can be her buddy but you can't be her therapist. She may be stuck, and you with her, in an endless cycle of anger and pain which is preventing her from moving on to acceptance, healing and her ability to embrace the good that life has to offer her next. Her former husband's sexual orientation is neither something that she caused nor something she should presume to want to change. He has made a choice to live his life with greater self-awareness and has moved on. She needs professional help to heal and to understand and forgive herself for unknowingly choosing a partner who ultimately wasn't available to her, in order that she doesn't repeat the same mistake again. Set some healthy boundaries around your availability for her, saying yes to new adventures and fun activities but no to more of the self-defeating rehashing of what obviously remains a hurtful, confusing period in her life. She needs you to say, "I can’t do this any more," so that she can give herself permission to do the same. Should she express an intention to hurt herself, seek medical intervention immediately. For a qualified counsellor in her area she may want to contact The Registry for Marriage and Family Therapists in Canada at www.marriageandfamily.ca or www.cpo.on.ca to connect with a psychologist. My best wishes to you both, Marion.